177: eternal sunshine of damaged mind

November 11, 2008 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

is that how i would describe myself if i could? maybe. i would say it as a joke but somewhere deep in the middle of night, completely awake, i would think about it and laugh. i imagine a grey melancholy surrounding me as i try to write. as i try to put my thoughts down on paper so i wouldn’t feel alone. would. the most used word at the moment. i filled dozen of pages on air management, aboriginal rights and traditonal beliefs and australian government but i couldn’t stop writing about my own destiny. destiny of each day. each day i’m breathing, blinking, swallowing saliva and writing. it became a part of my anatomy. it’s not an anomaly anymore. it is just as constant as a cup of coffee in the morning. it is not going away, i’m not going to stop.

my mind is occupied with this city. i’m to trying to record, to create a golden plate of my thoughts on hong kong. one day it will hang on a wall just like the record of one hundred shooters in an hour at maria’s. often i will walk past it, stop to clean the dust off the words and try to remember what it was like.

what it was like at the time when i spent my days walking the streets, drinking coffee and writing about everything i saw or heard. but i can also imagine myself like this five years from now. in a new city with a different language and culture. maybe i will have a different point of view on things around me but i will do exactly what i am doing now. putting it all down so i could remember one day. i think of alex and his story, the story i watched last night. this is the paranoid park of my own. i’ve forgotten most of the quotes from the big lebowski. and i give it a greater meaning and importance than what i give to revising the similarly forgotten algebra functions.

hopefully in five years my perspective and priorities will be more important and mature. i’m reading master and margarita. i found myself wishing it were written by james frey. so much for my admiration of russian authors. i guess i need to give it some times. five years. i’m also slowly returning to hip hop, rap and r’n’b. i’m putting the city of seattle aside for a while. it doesn’t make sense to me but i still enjoy it maybe that’s why i like it.

maybe that’s why i like many things.