at first we were just kids. then we became friends and we understood the meaning of our friendship. we were still young enough not to care about anything. then we were older, first you and then me. I always followed you everywhere and in everything but eventually I surpassed you and my ideas became greater. somewhere in year six I realized I loved you. first love. but I said nothing. we hardly saw each other, it wasn’t important. summers were ours. my home, your home. dogs and lots of food. we were completely careless. but I was always aware of the difference between me and you. you were the responsible one, the older one. the one that’d be coming home at four in the morning before I even knew how to drink.
eventually that changed and we became a little bit more equal in some things. and then came that last summer in prague. it was the worst and the best summer I have experienced in europe. I came back from croatia crying and hating everything, but then you said, it’s going to be okay, without me explaining much. I figured it didn’t matter. that night I missed my chance but I don’t regret it because I already knew I was leaving. I was bitter about it and I didn’t want to tell you. and then I left. and came back. I always come back but I always leave, too. but that one year coming back turned out to be a mistake. I trusted you and I trusted the idea of our future. you made me believe it. you made me think that we’d be kids forever. together. but you lied. you lied to me and that’s all you have ever been doing. lying. not one thing was true. I spent the rest of the year hating you and I never really forgave you.
I cannot forgive you. you keep ruining every single relationship of mine. the moment I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting everyone. and I don’t think I can reverse it anymore. the cracks are so deep I can see through them. it makes me think I can see through other people. it makes me believe it’s easier not to care. it makes me think it’s easier not to love. you’re ripping me off the most beautiful feeling in the world. and because of that, you don’t deserve me.
October 20, 2010