happiness is hard to capture

dear ____,

i’m not sure what i should write right now. it feels so distant. the only thing, which is constant is the happiness. relative happiness. it goes with me wherever i move. it doesn’t stay behind, it keeps walking right above as if it’s trying to protect me from something. from going back where i was before. but i don’t know where it is. it seems to be so far away yet so familiar. happiness is hard to capture, hard to explain. hard to put down on paper. i don’t know what to do with it but smile. smile smile smile everywhere i go. maybe that’s the beauty of it. i used to aware of wrong things. in a café or sometimes..

the past few days (it actually all began on saturday two weeks ago) have been refreshing. i can’t think of a different word because it just doesn’t fit. i’ve been having trouble with words lately anyway. i just don’t know how to put some things on paper because they feel so personal but they are not. it’s a strange delusion of being special to someone. that’s how i feel. special to someone even though i have no logical or realistic reason to feel like that. the feeling is there it doesn’t want to go away. i wake up feeling special, i go to sleep feeling special. where are you coming from? does it have to have a source? maybe it’s just music, maybe it’s just all the gin tonics i’ve had. maybe it’s nothing. Heaven help the girl who walks the street alone..

i don’t know. i’m not sure what to say. i’m going home tomorrow. invitations for coffee will be greatly appreciated. (but possibly refused or postponed)

thank you, stevie wonder.

but

thunderstorm warning was in force in the morning,
but no storm came.

i woke up with many ideas,
but by mid-day they were all gone.

i woke up with sense of dreams,
but i couldn’t remember them.

i woke up with many words on the tip of my tongue,
but said none.

my sense of reality is nonexistent,
but not just in reality.

arrivederci.

history of his soul

good night, hong kong.

i just thought of a weird title. i’ve got a bowl of vine grapes, water bottle, some fruit cookies on the table. a history book in my lap. six pages of notes for tonight so far. hundreds of pages to go. i have finally settled on biology for next year as my science subject. i picked up italian again. i learnt two more chinese characters the other day. i feel better. i’ve been learning more about comedy and what it takes. stand up comedy makes me feel as if i have the right point of view. maybe it’s wrong thinking, but i love it. chris rock’s bigger and blacker just cracks me up. i believe you got my property!

i had a fine day today. i’ve got shitload of work to do. according to my schedule 9 due dates in the upcoming two weeks. school certificate practice exams almost every week. i’m still waiting for my books they are late. i hope i will get them at least by the end of this week. tired and in need of coffee. i lowered my dosage in order to improve my sleep but it just makes it impossible for me to get up easily in the morning. it takes me five minutes to turn off the alarm after it’s already begun to ring. where are the directions of the world?

her blueberry nights.