i like to browse through tumblr websites. i always discover beautiful photography, quotes and words that warm me at heart. words that make me smile. my newest individual discovery is mike. a recovering heroin addict writing about his new life. about his new path, which he walks sober. everything is new to him his mind is like that of a child but his experiences reach far beyond the label child’s experiences. normal people never experience what he has already experienced in a life time. the word normal is extremely judging and relative. it is a lie, an illusion which we feed ourselves every day. i promise not to use it anymore.
i’ve been thinking of writing him an email. i have saved his email address into my contacts list, i opened up a new email.. and i stopped. i realized i don’t know what to say, what to write. i wish you all the best in your life? no. i thought of writing a single sentence – i admire you because in a way you are stronger than i ever will be. but i don’t know him. people judge and i don’t want to do that. i don’t want to be that person. i got stuck, i closed the window and went to sleep. it was three o’clock in the morning.
living in a state of texas, to me a land distant just as the world of drugs is. i still have no formed words in my mind even though there is so much i would like to say. we all have our addictions. it is just the false measure of destructiveness that makes us judge others. we judge people based on what we think is right. mike’s story reminded me of what i have to work on. it reminded me of what is hard for me. it reminded me of the path i am yet to walk. the path i am yet to discover. we are all addicted to something. we all let something destroy us. you are not alone.
loners usually tell people they are alone because they like their solidarity. but that’s not true. it is only because the world keeps disappointing them over and over. you haven’t. you got out and showed the world who you really are. something i am yet to do. i don’t know you, i don’t know who you are. i don’t know what rest of the world is. and it doesn’t matter. you are not alone. such a clichÃ©.
i want to think of it a little differently. there is a girl somewhere far far away from the world you know who thinks of you, waits for your words to appear in her google reader. you asked people what they are grateful for. i am grateful for the little words and images from the life i will never taste because my world is different from everything you know. i am grateful for that because it makes me appreciate people as they are. as they have been.
i could keep writing and writing, showing off my affection but i am going to stop. miami ink starts in couple of minutes.
i hope you can sleep well tonight.
this weekend is slow. i’m sleeping too much. i’m drinking my tea from a new house mug. there are quotes on the back. i like them. they remind me of what life can be like. they remind me of what people are like. of what i am like. i read a lot of tumbrl blogs lately. they are poetic, offer photographs, poems and quotes, which i like. they inspire me.
Peter: Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you’ll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.
Wendy: Never is an awfully long time.
no, it’s not.
you scare me a little. but i think itâ€™s a good thing. you make me hesitate between phrases and words that could put me in deep shit with you, that could possibly ruin what we have going. iâ€™m not going to lie, i like what we have. but i want more, i want some sort of obligation, some phone call before bed at night. i want to be able to wake up next to you and not have to leave.
iâ€™m sorry i keep you up all night each time. i just feel like timeâ€™s ticking and moments like those wonâ€™t come by too often. and iâ€™m scared about winter break, iâ€™m scared weâ€™ll forget about each other and there wonâ€™t be anything to come back to in january. i guess time will tell.
this is too much because i didn’t write this. nor did he.
things to be thankful for:
the sun rising and setting. knowing you are loved. knowing you are never ever alone. friends. family. friends who act like family. chilly nights. warm days. oceans. changing leaves. changing you/me. change. summer rain. love. equality. parents. love letters. phone calls. making music. secret codes. watching them grow. mornings that are alive. leg touches. tree houses. not acting your age. secret smiles. secrets. favorite words. new cities. trust. saying hello to strangers. yourself. long forgotten old friends that appear in your life once again.
the year is gone. november is coming to an end, the year is closing. but still not all the cards have been laid out. questions arise with each step on the way. and i’m trying. each day i wake up, i sit with a cup of tea and i wonder: what do i have to say today?
there are too many things to be said. too many things i would like to say yet i never will because my own principles simply don’t allow me to. our friendship is more important than my ego. it’s something i learned this year. shouldn’t you be proud of me? just wait for the bilantaine.
i found myself a group of people who are able to appreciate me as a person. as someone who has something to say and it isn’t just about babbling about nothing. but i also think i might have taken it too far already.
i mean, how does it happen? three o’clock in the morning, couple of drinks, no money in the wallet, atm and ha! i still meet them on a street corner in the middle of an alley that shouldn’t be easy to find or to be so busy at three in the fucking morning.
i really don’t know.