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bilantaine MMVIII: the year of changes

i guess there’s something about christmas time that simply prevents me from writing about all things that i’ve been doing lately and seeing and so on, because i feel as if everybody else has written exactly the same. this holidays have been great but i am also glad they are gone. i am truly looking forward to new year’s celebrations tonight. our friends from croatia have arrived last night so it is going to be really great. most of the time during the last couple of days i’ve spent thinking and reflecting about the year of 2008 — reevaluating, thinking, smiling, writing and putting all thoughts together. a lot has happened in the last twelve months and i can say that there’s hardly anything i regret.

i am happy with this year. more than happy. this year has been the year of changes. many things have happened. even more things have changed. i’ve traveled quite a lot – new zealand, singapore, dubai and of course, i went back to europe. most importantly i’ve been to banja luka – my hometown – after more than five years. i remember driving with my father on the dark single road, thinking it was so weird to be home. but i was glad. i’ve seen my best friend after so many years again. we had a nice chat. i visited my mother’s old gymnasium walked around the hallways looked into the classrooms. i never thought i would ever get a chance to do that. it had a great impact on me. in a good way. visiting prague was also great. i’ve met too many people this year i am not even able to estimate the count. there was a lot of strangers in my life this year and each one of them somehow contributed to my lifestory. i will never forget any of it.

i’ve made new friends outside of classroom but in classroom too. i’ve finally allowed myself to spend a little bit more time with people i see every day anyway. sitting with a bunch of people around a circle table during lunch time isn’t so boring as i thought it would be. i’ve learned a couple of lessons, which mean a great deal to me. i’ve been writing a lot this year, even though i remember being a victim of a writer’s block during the first half of the year. summer was probably the worst. but in september things got a lot better. in fact, september is the month when it all started. the happiness. i’ve discovered a lot of new and old artists, i’ve seen too many films to count, i’ve read a couple of good books. the favorite author of this year being james frey and i thank him for that. i sincerely hope there will more. then there was obama’s victory in november, which made me incredibly happy and proud of america for the first time since i know about that country. and you’re thinking this doesn’t belong into a personal history, but actually it sort of does.

all the things that have happened since september has started — to put it mildly — they mean a great deal to me. i’ve met so many amazing people and have too many memories to count that i will never forget it is almost impossible for me to write about it because the emotions are too great to put down like this. but i’ve been writing quite a lot here in the last couple of months so i think going back in the archive will probably help to understand the feelings, which have occupying my heart ever since.

i am truly hoping the year of 2009 will be just as great and even better than this one.

happy new year to all of you.

228

12:16am. christmas day. almost.

lately i’ve been lost in thought. too lost in thought. so lost in thought i’ve lost the desire to write online. the past week has been sort of fruitless. i got my school certificate results in – it is not as bad as i thought it would be, i am happy.

i’ve had at least three coffees with three different friends. it was fun. but (again) it made me realize i’ve got nothing to say to these people. nor do they have to say anything to me. loose ends.

i’m closer to people who are thousands of kilometers away. but that doesn’t mean it hurts less. it doesn’t.

i’ve been listening to placebo, pj harvey and patti smith. the old p combination. i’m not sure what it means but it’s making me feel uneasy. christmas time has a weird effect to me. i wish it would just go away.

i am not able to finish the master and margarita. definitely not my cup of coffee.

speaking of coffee — i am up to four cups per day. espresso double shots.

speaking of which — i am sleeping poorly.

which results in me drinking even more coffee and sleeping even less. and so on.

i’m in the middle of the painful process of university application — right now rather in stage where to go?

and so on.

as i said i’ve got nothing to say.

223: my soul is the witness

To Henry Lowe — with an ‘e’

His lips big large curved in form of a smile
A bottle of strong 300-year-old whiskey
On the table
As I look at him and he looks at me
Blues playin’
I am the only white girl
In the room
They all stare at me
Only he stands by my side and
Says
She’s mine tonight