I am buried in books. endless reading lists, photography magazines, chinese textbooks, exercise books, notebooks, journals, dictionaries, historical nonfiction and other publications. I am doing a lot of research these days having to complete more than half a dozen of long essays in the next few weeks. the upcoming holidays are actually no holidays at all. I have watched a few films during the weekend although my time was limited. nevertheless I’ve enjoyed law abiding citizen more than other people. it reminded me of fight club. sort of like, fight club: ten years later. also I have brought home my old time favorite film, which I have watched countless times when I was a kid — the parent trap. I cannot wait to watch it again, I think that’s where my obsession with twins started in the first place.
I am listening to nirvana. after so many months. it seems all these old favorites of mine are coming back to me, starting with bands from the post punk wave of the 80s in UK all the way to seattle and their influence on the world. it’s been so long since I have last read heavier than heaven. that book used to be my bible. it still probably is but I have forgotten most of the words and passages, which I used to know by heart. I can’t even remember that quote about dying at the end of it all even though it used to be important. but I still think people don’t change. not really.
last day of november. seriously. didn’t I tell you to slow down?
I wish I could sometimes. but things become complicated and hard and at some point you lose it. you lose the argument, you lose the idea, you forget what is real. you forget what you’re all about. you can’t even remember what is it that wanted in the first place, that’s how pathetic you become. and so that’s what happened. it would have been better if I knew when to leave and not come back, because it’s always the same. I can recognize these little things in my sleep and people don’t change.
joyce is not here didn’t make me as happy anymore.
laughing continues. I drink a cup of hot cappuccino with a friend every day. we discuss korea, asia, every day things. for some reason I have started writing a list of people I am going to miss when I leave, if I leave. I am not sure why we are doing this, but maybe because partially it is fun. and heart breaking at the same. I am writing letters but I never send them. I couldn’t. I am looking for anything, I am not looking for much.
I am back to using random scraps of papers to dot down my thoughts and ideas. things are losing and gaining their shape it’s like the universe expanding but shrinking at the same. sometimes I am not exactly sure which direction I am heading but often it doesn’t really matter. people have been trying to convince me of importance of values and principles, but I am still not willing to have any.
sitting in the music room and listening to a very bad cover of sweet child of mine was meaningless but I enjoyed it anyway. I am searching for small pleasures of daily life. I am not able to look ahead yet. one small step at a time.
I am getting lots of writing done these days. I am not sure where are all the words coming from but I am definitely not complaining. I am thinking of returning to an old story which I started writing exactly a year ago. winter is the time when I like to write. I remember the pace of long winter days last year and those nights when I stayed up late until five, six in the morning, just writing. and then when I woke up, again. writing. editing. writing. sometimes it seemed like the writing itself was completely replaced by the editing. which is the point where I lose my motivation and move on to do something else. it’s strange. I love writing yet I have such low patience for the process. it’s been a while since wrote a letter. maybe this week.
there have been a few very positive feedbacks in the last couple of days which made my living a little easier. somehow things just improve by themselves when you know you’re on the right track. it took a while but it’s here. today was a good day. a happy one. I laughed a lot. my whole body is aching right now from all the laughing. I even believe I’ve prolonged my life by a couple of years, it’s a good feeling. one of those laughs that are completely illogical. one of those where you can’t stop because you’re laughing at the fact that you’re laughing. and having a friend who is exactly the same mood makes the day brighter. even the cappuccino tasted better.
everything seems better today.