another one of these

01022010

dear ____,

I found that little red notebook that I was using at the beginning of last year to write you letters. some letters made me laugh, some made me sad, but only because I know I really meant them. but then I stopped writing them. I think some time in march because I ran out of things to say. or maybe my feelings had changed a little. I am not sure what it is now. this photograph reminds me of when we were little. it’s been a while since I’ve touched snow with the tips of my fingers. it’s been a while since everything. I finished writing my bilantaine just a few minutes ago. you’re in there, only between the lines, but you’re there. it doesn’t really matter anymore. except that I am afraid that if I don’t write things down they will be forgotten. no one will ever be able to bring them up on the surface. each new year makes me feel the same. I am always thinking I am missing out on something. well here’s what it is; I am missing out on you and I hate it.

I am using the electric heater to warm myself up. you would laugh because you’re used to cold and rain. I am not. I was never drawn to that part of the world before you moved there. but now I have even thought of applying for university there. there’s a lot of things I would do for you, for us. the only thing that’s preventing me from doing all of that is that I never know what you’re thinking. you seem to be fine without me and you have no idea how confused that makes me.

happy 2010.

signed oscar wilde.

the end is still being written

01012010

this year is missing the traditional new year’s eve photography. I completely forgot about it. but it doesn’t matter. I’ve had an amazing time last night. and all those days and weeks before. I have a feeling this year is going to be about meeting people, more than any other year. I don’t know. maybe I am just hopeful. everything that happened during the past twelve months has brought me something new, but I can’t say a lot of things have changed. it’s this year that will turn my life upside down. it’s time. I’ve enjoyed everything, no regrets. we couldn’t really see the firework, sometimes I heard a bit of it, but this lack was replaced by the amazing Mozart liqueur, which must have been the best drink to start the year with. a bilantaine coming up soon. or maybe not. and the only thing I really want to accomplish this year, is to feel comfortable in my own skin and stay like that for the rest of my life. it’s tiring not to be.