tuesday

today was cold. more cold than I would have liked. I’ve moved again the heater it’s back in my room. there was a lot of laughter in the afternoon. a lot of it. honey orange latte seems to be the most frequent indulgence. after school we walk together to the nearest starbucks, measure the speeds of escalators and elevators and laugh because we are going crazy. completely. we laugh so much our bodies hurt. what keeps me sane are friends I have around me. even those that are far away, maybe especially them, but I cannot know for sure because I miss them too much. I am trying to remember what it was like to be truly lonely. because I still know how to be alone.

I walked up to SoHo again, instead of cup of coffee I bought myself a blueberry smoothie. it wasn’t too sweet, just the way I like it. I spent two hours in three different bookstores, but left home with no books. maybe tomorrow. I was planning on watching a film, but I decided not to drink my nightly coffee and so now I am all ready to sleep, even though it’s only a little bit past eleven. I am focusing on my french and chinese lessons. it’s become so important to me. I loved that silence, while I tumbled along the walls of the french library. I spent minutes and minutes looking at the titles, touching them with my fingertips, imagining I understood them. a huge à bout de souffle poster hung on the wall. I wished I was french for the hundredth time. there are certain moments in my days, which make me happier than anything else in the world. but it doesn’t take much.

I missed those four calls, but they made my day.

I hope you’re not lonely without me

sunday.
silence. something. sexed up.
alliterations everywhere.
too much of work. catching up on my
writing
reading
chinese characters
french grammar. I am drinking
english breakfast
honey orange latte.
a green peas, broccoli and cauliflower soup for dinner.
hi hello, how low? I am still not over it.
staying up late on skype talking to a certain someone.
are you reading this? please, don’t.
new friends. strangers. I loved it all.
elliott smith on repeat.

three five one

I’ve just been too busy in the last few days. not sleeping much. drinking too much coffee. I haven’t slept more than four hours for three nights and so last night when I arrived home around midnight I didn’t even bother taking off my clothes and went straight to bed. fourteen hours still did me no justice. I stay up for no reason except to talk to him. about everything and nothing. it’s strange but it keeps me going. sometimes it’s all I need.

last night was one of the good ones, except I was too tired to stay longer. we had some nachos, sangria, English guys sitting next to us. I laughed at their conversations. there was a guy from paris somewhere, living in israel, a hong kong filmmaker, strange people. everyone hanging out at the melting pot. but for me it was enough just to sit there on the street corner with my friend from melbourne. not much was needed to make me happy.

I am still not sure what the words meant. because I never said them. maybe I should try to put them down on paper. I hate putting myself out there. I hate making myself obvious, but that’s all ever I do. tomorrow it starts all over but I guess I am fine with it.