kiss me again, rekiss me and kiss me

a few weeks ago I finished my moleskine from new york city that I bought about a year ago. so I bought a new one and started over. but no matter how many journals I buy, no matter how many times I try to change my writing style, no matter how many times I start on a positive note, after a few pages I slowly start slipping back into my pathos and the greater-than-life self-destructing hatred towards everything and everyone. and there’s no stopping anymore. I wonder how long I will be able to live like that. how much longer until I break free? how much longer until I break?

september is passing by quietly. on saturday I went to the hong kong university of science and technology for the open day. mixed feelings. I would actually love to study there. but I need to look at other places too. there’s so much work to get done in the next few weeks. but it is not as bad as it looks. I’m graduating high school in three days. no feelings about it. I’m skipping the valedictory dinner tonight. I’m going to ignore the speeches and toasts. four years of majorly negative crap on a daily basis. so, no thanks. I’ll make myself a bowl of mac and cheese while you can pretend you care about each other. it’s not all bad though; I’ve met some interesting people and I learned how to avoid responsibilities. the only thing I will miss about high school is the activity week. each one has changed my life in one way or another. even the year nine hiking trip.

but the thing is, in four years I’ve gone through all the stages of the Kübler-Ross model. each phrases lasting longer than the previous one. I’m working on the acceptance right now. if you just knew. but you have no idea and that’s what hurts the most. we’re all fucked up, but some of us a little bit more. that’s the only difference between us. but it’s almost over now.

#15

dear ____,

amazing. how the time passes by. we haven’t spoken for almost three five months now. is it because of me or because of you? I am trying to figure it out without actually asking you, because of course, I don’t want to know the answer. either way, it would hurt me to know. why are things so fucking complicated with you? I will never know. but from what I collect from various online sources, you’re doing well. heartbroken just as I was once, but you’re doing well. things will get easier and better eventually, even though it seems to me this year hasn’t been so good to you. I wish I could say I am sorry.

recently I’ve been going through my iTunes, deleting and adding music. I’ve put back the entire discography of morcheeba. rome wasn’t built in a day. I think I understand now why september is so important to me. I thought of writing you an email and sending the song as attachment, but then I realized I have nothing to say to you. it is sad.

I remember the summer you introduced me to them, I remember it all so well. I still think of that one night we spent under the stars, in front of the fire, I got drunk for the first time in my life and I am glad you were there because I had no idea what was going on with me. in a way that summer was horrible. but it is also my favorite. I spent the whole night contemplating whether I should tell you that by the end of the year I might be gone, on the other side of the planet. I decided not to ruin anything. at least not at that point.

the moment of destruction would come much later. you stood in front of the entrance to our house. it was freezing, last days of december. it was midnight dark but I could still see your face. the expression was clear. everything is going to be different now, isn’t it?

yes. we’re both gone.

signed oscar wilde.