never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
I’ve never celebrated halloween, not even this year, despite your numerous attempts to explain the awesomeness of this day to me. I guess I am too caught up in my own bullshit to be paying attention anything that goes on outside my mind. this will pass by soon, so bear with me. the truth is; I am stressed out. worried. and then I am not. depends on my mood. sometimes I am fully convinced everything will be okay, other times everything seems impossible. it’s the up and downs that wear me out. it was never that one particular state of mind, it’s always been the gaps in between. the moments in between. the moments of silence, of silent phone, of drama. right now everything seems so distant I am not even sure what I am doing here.
but I was thinking about last years’ halloween. or that period of time. I went to two performances of Amadeus, discovered the band at soiree, spent countless of nights around SoHo and on the 31st ended up in the middle of the chaos that was lan kwai fong. possibly the biggest mistake one can make. I left home feeling lonely, misplaced and distanced from everybody else. a feeling I had quite often last year, even though they were many moments that were the exact opposite. I want to remember it all.
nineteen days until I am finished with exams and high school and everything that goes with. it’s the only thought on my mind right now and it’s the only thing that keeps me going. and the occasional moments when I am thinking that everything will be okay in the end. whatever happens, happens. I find myself reflecting on the past four years and I’m starting to think it could be a good piece of writing on its own if I manage to sit down for an hour and write it down. it’s not because I am feeling sentimental. believe me, I am not. but the past four years have been so significant and have had such a massive impact on my life and who I am at this point, I feel the need to expose it. but there’s still time. right now, I just need to focus.
november, tomorrow. same thoughts: the year has gone by so fast again.
what I am to you is not real
what I am to you you do not need
what I am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and I’ll ask for the sea.
it’s a cold morning. we’ve gone down to 17 degrees. I would probably enjoy myself a whole lot more without a sore throat, runny nose and final exams three days away. without the silent phone. but that’s what it is right now. you can’t always get what you want. is it so hard to understand? I have no time for long words and paragraphs but I feel a strong urge to write. I’ve listened to kurt cobain: about a son ten times in the last few days. I know the words by heart, the pauses, every time he flicks a lighter to light up a cigarette I can hear it (well, not always). it’s all there, yet it feels so unreal. listening to his voice. it’s the only thing that calms me down in this chaotic, strange time of my life. sorry if some of the things I’ve said weren’t exactly what you wanted to hear, but that’s how it is. I’m cooking plain rice for lunch because there’s nothing else to eat, but honestly, I really don’t care. I am returning to my old mindset. it is safer.
I’m looking forward to end of november and all of december. it will be just my own time.
it’s past midnight. I’ve just made myself a perfect-sized bowl of bavette with basil and lots of parmesan. I’ve spent the entire morning and evening with extensive biology study notes and three different textbooks. it will be over soon. but at least I like it. in the afternoon I felt well enough to go to central for lunch so I picked my favorite vietnamese restaurant and ate a full bowl of spicy chicken phá»Ÿ. on the way home I stopped for a large cup of chai tea latte. as I walked through the streets I listened to angus & julia stone and noticed that the weather was perfect. it was exactly the same as that one weekend in new york city. I’ve been feeling homesick lately. too much even. constantly switching from oliver to empire state of mind. and yesterday I even listened to a few dan bÃ¡rta songs. so the obvious question is: which home?
but I don’t want to ask myself this question anymore. being the child of this planet is an amazing feeling but eventually you start getting lost. not in a literal sense. eventually you start feeling like you don’t know where you’d like to be. it’s not about belonging somewhere. when you belong everywhere, you stop caring. except it’s not supposed to be like that. sometimes I get jealous of the way you feel about sydney. the way you talk about it, the way you emails sounded during your two weeks there. I wish I’d feel that way about someplace. I keep hoping I’d just forgotten what it is like to be at home, real home, because it’s been more than a year now. it’s been more than a year.
I just realized that I’d broken a promise. again.