back to square one

white walls and endless cups of coffee. undecided future, the unwillingness to do anything but sleep. but of course, only during the day. at night I am awake. I am more awake more than ever.

I wrote a long email to a friend in england; the one that studies psychology, in hopes that she will understand and she will tell me something that would make me see the other side. because right now I don’t see anything. just the whiteness of the outside and the pollution of this city, which has started to frustrate me on a daily basis. sometimes I don’t even know why I am still here. oh, wait.

my younger friends returned back to school yesterday. I almost miss it. I used to hate it so much but now I’m so desperate I don’t even know what it is that I had invented for myself a few months ago. somehow that idealistic life has disappeared and creatively, I’m below the freezing point.

numb. stuck. impossibly stuck.

i’m tired of your silence, i don’t know what you want from me

source unknown.

I spent the entire day in bed. reading and writing. last night seems like a dream that never happened. I am glad that I did not send that email at three in the morning. but then in my actual dreams all my lovers came back. even the ones that never existed, but especially those of the last few months. even after I awake, it seemed as if I was dreaming. being awake was painful, I was suffering from headache and heartache so I simply drifted back to sleep wanting to continue in my dreams. I find it easy to continue my dreams if I can remember them.

most of the day was wasted in the dark cloud of my hangover from last night. all the faces that we saw, that we spoke to, that spoke to us, blended into one. an australian from sydney, a half-philippino born and raised in los angeles. I never thought they are people who have been raised in los angeles, but I am pretty sure they are many. thousands.

for some reason we discussed the australian white policy and the censorship surrounding it, we talked about the difference between the cities on the east and the west side, we joked about stoners and laughed at the drunk businessmen. the night was warmer than any in the last few weeks, so we sat outside, with free drinks, enjoying the city night life. I’ll miss it.

don’t you love new york city in the fall?

these shots were taken on my first and last visit. for some reason bryant park was my favorite place of all. every summer they host open air film screenings. I miss new york city.

new york city, 2009.