back to square one

white walls and endless cups of coffee. undecided future, the unwillingness to do anything but sleep. but of course, only during the day. at night I am awake. I am more awake more than ever.

I wrote a long email to a friend in england; the one that studies psychology, in hopes that she will understand and she will tell me something that would make me see the other side. because right now I don’t see anything. just the whiteness of the outside and the pollution of this city, which has started to frustrate me on a daily basis. sometimes I don’t even know why I am still here. oh, wait.

my younger friends returned back to school yesterday. I almost miss it. I used to hate it so much but now I’m so desperate I don’t even know what it is that I had invented for myself a few months ago. somehow that idealistic life has disappeared and creatively, I’m below the freezing point.

numb. stuck. impossibly stuck.

i’m tired of your silence, i don’t know what you want from me

source unknown.

I spent the entire day in bed. reading and writing. last night seems like a dream that never happened. I am glad that I did not send that email at three in the morning. but then in my actual dreams all my lovers came back. even the ones that never existed, but especially those of the last few months. even after I awake, it seemed as if I was dreaming. being awake was painful, I was suffering from headache and heartache so I simply drifted back to sleep wanting to continue in my dreams. I find it easy to continue my dreams if I can remember them.

most of the day was wasted in the dark cloud of my hangover from last night. all the faces that we saw, that we spoke to, that spoke to us, blended into one. an australian from sydney, a half-philippino born and raised in los angeles. I never thought they are people who have been raised in los angeles, but I am pretty sure they are many. thousands.

for some reason we discussed the australian white policy and the censorship surrounding it, we talked about the difference between the cities on the east and the west side, we joked about stoners and laughed at the drunk businessmen. the night was warmer than any in the last few weeks, so we sat outside, with free drinks, enjoying the city night life. I’ll miss it.

I am the girl from back then

unknown source. weheartit.

my writings from 2007 – 2010 have been placed into a special, private folder unavailable to the general public. my life is presented with many changes; everything seems to be different and I felt this needed to be reflected in this personal space as well. enjoythewait is very important to me. I started this website in early 2007 after a half a year hiatus from my previous website, which I do not think any of you remember anymore. if you do, I’m amazed.

somehow I’ve become convinced that dwelling on the past isn’t going to lead me anywhere. I believe in keeping certain memories close to one’s heart and remembering things because they had happened, not because they are in the past. I’m trying hard to stay faithful to this.

on wednesday night, just as almost every wednesday we went out, my friend and I. our time in hong kong is numbered and we are trying to enjoy the city as much as we can. I am soon going to be starting some work for a small company in hong kong, it’s all related to fields of marketing and event management and I am excited. I am drifting away in different directions and although certain people are not going to be part of it, I am going to make the most of it.

I still have not found my balance but I think it’s just a matter of time, now. I am trying to learn how to be patient, less temperament. less chaotic. making some small changes makes me feel a little bit closer to what I am striving for.

can’t you see that it’s just raining

I am looking at the still oil like surface, I imagine the feeling of safety I get when I dive into the dark, warm waters of adriatic sea. I am standing on the top terrace, looking at the view, it’s a bay surrounded by hills, our house stands on the top of one. warm breeze blows my hair around, it’s messy I just woke up. I still haven’t brushed my teeth I can taste red wine from the night before. it’s an early morning, the sun is still not high up. I am going for a swim from one side of the bay and then back, it takes less than an hour to swim both ways. I have been doing it every morning since I arrived here, I am feeling pretty fit despite the rough nights out. after two or three hours, when I am finally out of the water, I will go to the local market, pick some fresh fruit and vegetables, a bottle of milk, maybe a newspaper. I’d carry it back to my apartment, walk up the hill. then it’d be time for a cup of coffee, some music, a phone call from a friend somewhere, perhaps.

I want to go home.