five seven eight

summer. I don’t like summer. summer brings pain, summer brings hot days, summer brings everything unpleasant to me because it keeps reminding me, screaming at me that I am not a child anymore. summer reminds me of everything that summer isn’t anymore.

choose life. hot summer days. crowded central. crowded tsim sha tsui. crowded north point. crowded. taking the ferry to the other side. taking the train. paying taxi fares. ordering starbucks. pretending it’s a serious decision I am making. tall triple shot latte. that would be my decision for $28 because I am so desperate for an addiction I am not even paying the full price for it. waking up in the morning. headache. heartache. blue sky. grey sky. does it even make a difference? coffee in the morning, coffee before lunch, coffee for lunch, coffee at five to keep awake. and then it’s time to start drinking. central, soho, wan chai. and then backwards. I’ve given up on old friends, definitely. and the two of us? we are completely different species. Darwin would approve of this. it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with.

filmmaker, guitarist, and the dutch. I don’t know anything about relationships except that I am not able to keep one. I come and go as I please. and they do the same. middle eastern food. kebabs, pita breads, greek yogurt, stuffed vine leaves. sangria. and then some. chinese. mandarin. thinking of switching to cantonese. reading short stories in the original french. voltaire, camus, balzac and others. I have been reading a lot lately. whatever I can get my hands on. the pages just disappear under my touch. james joyce, herman melville, susan sontag, james frey, nicole krauss, toni morrison, d.h. lawrence, anything. I am going to devote the whole summer to reading the greek classics. drinking wine and eating cheese with olives. I could be good at that. I draw inspiration where others find loneliness.

I am a point in my life where I need to remind myself of who I am and what my actual worth is. because it has become completely unacceptable to be let down, brought down or upset by someone who has never understood me or attempted to understand me. it took me six months to realize that it was actually a favor. it was perfect timing. but all of this must stop now, because otherwise I am going to feel heartbroken over someone longer than I had been with the person. which is more than pathetic. I thought I should feel sorry for myself but I can’t afford it. if I am not taking care of myself, then who is?

cafe o. the filmmaker and I pretending we are the next hemingway. a cup of coffee, some water. people chatting, children crying. I look around and I think maybe this is all I need. breathe. inhale. exhale. put away your hair in a bun, take it down. do something else. paint your nails with a transparent color. feel better. breathe. drink more water, drink more. take two aspirins because the headache won’t go away. breathe. breathe. breathe. everything will sort itself out eventually.

sarcastic experiement

a few days ago, for some reason I am not able to recall why anymore, my never ending love for ancient greece awoke once again. I have been burying myself in endless articles about early philosophers, first psychology experiments (pharaoh Psamtik I of egypt conducted one of the first psychology experiments on the origin of language; today most of us would laugh to me it is fascinating) and history of the region itself. of course, I never stop just at greece but end up going through entire encyclopedias in a single afternoon. here is where I remember how you laughed because of my pronunciation of the word encyclopedia. I am from europe, give me a fucking break. I think it is all too fascinating, the history of the world. sometimes I think if some people were more educated in certain areas, mainly the past, the present would not be what it is. but enough of that.

I think I may have been joking, a few nights ago at club 71, when I pointed out the feudalistic characteristics of our society. or maybe I have not. it is up to you to figure it out. and as my friend pointed out a more appropriate version would be, bastard feudalism. I am not entirely sure why the two of us enjoy such philosophical, obscure conversations in the middle of a night in bustling downtown, filled with alcoholic beverages, heterosexuals, homosexuals and everything in between. however, such nights make up for the most interesting events of my otherwise stereotypical life of a hamster. some of you maybe wouldn’t even believe it if you realized how much inspiration I am able to draw from drunken nights around the city with people who do not belong to the circle of corporate assholes.

I receive emails, daily, asking me about my writing and the apparent lack thereof. and I will be expecting another half a dozen about my comment regarding our society. maybe I will take some time in the future and explain it further but at the moment there are other things on my mind. for example, the depressing amount of films that are currently being screened at hong kong cinemas, which I would never take the time to go and watch. pirates of the caribbean four being a prime example. what is wrong with the producers replacing knightley with cruz? I have nothing against neither actress, I am just pointing out that the entire series has been ruined for me by a single course of mindless action. also it’s time to stop this three-d bullshit. no one is interested or impressed anymore. after toy story 3 nothing will ever be good enough in three-d ever again. that includes avatar and any other commercially successful film that I consider to pointless and shallow. especially avatar.

given the way of expressing myself you can clearly tell that I have been spending too much time with my filmmaker, who is one of the most cynic and sarcastic people I have ever met with the same amount of intellect and culture. the fact that he was born and bred in hong kong/new zealand just adds to his list of things that make him interesting. he is currently my favorite person to spend time with, with a couple of drinks and sour chips on the twenty-ninth floor of an unnamed lounge somewhere in the middle of wan chai. my sentences are way too long, bear with me. apart from all this, nothing else has been happening. everything is still the same. I am still waiting but I am spending less time pointing out and instead I am focusing on other things. such as waking up at eight in the morning and doing laundry instead of sleeping in. very proactive and productive. my creativity levels suffer horrendously, however.

but that is life, right? next time I should be able to post some new photographic experiments of mine. I am currently too lazy to process and edit four hundred photos. so you will have to excuse me for the time being. also, you may expect another couple of rants similar to these in the near future.

eighteen hour long days

my day starts at seven in the morning, finishes at one. there’s work, and there are responsibilities and there’s taking care of other people’s jobs and making sure everything is done and finished and on time and the way it should be. there’s running around the city, from admiralty to kowloon to jordan to central back to jordan to ho man tin to tsim sha tsui back to prince edward through mong kok back to jordan. and by that time it is already seven in the evening. in the mean time, I am trying to stuff in some time for lunch, and chinese characters and my writing cravings and the need to look at beautiful pictures and read other people’s words. I am currently reading gabriel marguez garcia’s autobiography. it is poetic and entertaining. I wish I was spanish sometimes. or colombian. or something like that.

living to tell a tale. yesterday was too hot and too humid, but as soon as the sun set down it seemed to me everything eased up a little bit. I sat with my mother and a friend on a roof of our hotel, drinking mojitos and talking, chatting, discussing everything and anything that came to our minds. I received a phone call, I received another opportunity to take photographs of my friends playing live music tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it. I ended up going to SoHo, talking to bobby and my filmmaker. we laughed a lot. political puns and sarcastic satire. we are good at it. sohome was quiet and I was interested in a woman across the street. loved her simplistic style and hair. no make up, flip flops and pajama pants. I was wondering where my own simplicity disappeared. I feel I am getting lost in the corporate world, forgetting what it’s like to be free. it made me quiet last night. we took our last drink at the 71. people sitting outside on beach chairs, eating watermelons, drinking. someone was playing on an acoustic guitar. a very bad version of angie. it was a quiet night, filled with laughter and endless bowls of peanuts. I went home well before the last train.

I am starting to feel better a little.