summer. I don’t like summer. summer brings pain, summer brings hot days, summer brings everything unpleasant to me because it keeps reminding me, screaming at me that I am not a child anymore. summer reminds me of everything that summer isn’t anymore.
choose life. hot summer days. crowded central. crowded tsim sha tsui. crowded north point. crowded. taking the ferry to the other side. taking the train. paying taxi fares. ordering starbucks. pretending it’s a serious decision I am making. tall triple shot latte. that would be my decision for $28 because I am so desperate for an addiction I am not even paying the full price for it. waking up in the morning. headache. heartache. blue sky. grey sky. does it even make a difference? coffee in the morning, coffee before lunch, coffee for lunch, coffee at five to keep awake. and then it’s time to start drinking. central, soho, wan chai. and then backwards. I’ve given up on old friends, definitely. and the two of us? we are completely different species. Darwin would approve of this. it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with.
filmmaker, guitarist, and the dutch. I don’t know anything about relationships except that I am not able to keep one. I come and go as I please. and they do the same. middle eastern food. kebabs, pita breads, greek yogurt, stuffed vine leaves. sangria. and then some. chinese. mandarin. thinking of switching to cantonese. reading short stories in the original french. voltaire, camus, balzac and others. I have been reading a lot lately. whatever I can get my hands on. the pages just disappear under my touch. james joyce, herman melville, susan sontag, james frey, nicole krauss, toni morrison, d.h. lawrence, anything. I am going to devote the whole summer to reading the greek classics. drinking wine and eating cheese with olives. I could be good at that. I draw inspiration where others find loneliness.
I am a point in my life where I need to remind myself of who I am and what my actual worth is. because it has become completely unacceptable to be let down, brought down or upset by someone who has never understood me or attempted to understand me. it took me six months to realize that it was actually a favor. it was perfect timing. but all of this must stop now, because otherwise I am going to feel heartbroken over someone longer than I had been with the person. which is more than pathetic. I thought I should feel sorry for myself but I can’t afford it. if I am not taking care of myself, then who is?
cafe o. the filmmaker and I pretending we are the next hemingway. a cup of coffee, some water. people chatting, children crying. I look around and I think maybe this is all I need. breathe. inhale. exhale. put away your hair in a bun, take it down. do something else. paint your nails with a transparent color. feel better. breathe. drink more water, drink more. take two aspirins because the headache won’t go away. breathe. breathe. breathe. everything will sort itself out eventually.