september blues

every day I come closer to being farther away from everything I’d ever known. september rolled in and out without me being able to take proper notice. of anything. three days until october and I am not sure why. I am beginning to feel the consequences from the lack of my time management skills; mostly just physically. four or five hours of sleep have sort of become a regular sleeping pattern under which I succumb once in a while and disappear into deep, disturbing slumber under my duvet for two days. I need one of those two days now. just to sleep and do absolutely nothing else. read, perhaps.

on a different note, today marks an anniversary of something that isn’t even important anymore yet every year I remember. I remember those days back in prague with first love and keep thinking what if things were different. I cannot help it but fall into a strange delirium of nostalgia and sadness. it isn’t that I am not happy right now. it’s just knowing that once things were supposed to be different. things, which passed me by without me being able to stop any of it. it is the greatest irony of this life that when someone tells you they love you, you cannot feel it. but once they stop, you feel it with every single fibre of your being. perhaps, if I stopped lying to him, maybe I would learn how to trust him. oh, the ironies.

writing feels like a tedious task lately. what’s the point? I keep asking myself over and over but nothing. the voices inside my head are always silent when I need answers. so I spend my evenings and nights on the dark side with the boy. indulging in the simplest things life can offer and not think about much else. his presence, his embrace. because what else is there?

mornings are darker and cooler now. soon winter will take over and I will have something else to be nostalgic about.

things I left behind

+ my falling whistle
+ the entire godfather collection including four hours of special features
+ the noble house
+ a book written by george perec, even though it was yours to keep
+ a black jumper (the one that served as a catalyst to it all)
+ a toothbrush (I replaced the one you gave me the first week because it made my gums bleed)
+ a bundle of the size of a pea
+ memories, too many memories that I carry with me everywhere I go
+ a naive notion that perhaps love could evolve from a drunken one night stand

summer days were filled with sleepless nights, glasses of red wine despite the medication labels and what I think were the last bits of hope. but it’s over. he is gone. in a way, I am grateful that I can finally declare that chapter of my life as finished. there is sadness, though. heavy sadness, which weights me down as I realize that despite everything it meant nothing. a fleeting moment in our lives, insignificant as a cough. a misplaced comma. everything continued as if nothing happened, and I think that was the worst part. even now, I am not sure whether the wounds are real or self-inflicted. I wonder whether all of this is just a figment of imagination. just like everything else.

I wonder.

the good things

the symbol of hong kong: bauhunia. fallen flower, pavement, shoes, matching colors.

life has been good to me lately.

+ puppy pile three hour evening naps with the boy.
+ rio; one of the funniest animation films I have seen in a while.
+ when the sun comes out after an afternoon of torrential rain.
+ weekly cinema nights with the boy.
+ days without any physical pain are always good days.
+ being exhausted at the end of the day.
+ writing every day; I have finally bought a new journal after two years of scrap scribbling.
+ evening lychee ice cream is slowly becoming our tradition.
+ a sunday day off spent with the boy: walking around hong kong until our feet ached, sitting for hours in an outside roof garden drinking iced coffee and chocolate, late afternoon al fresco picnic on a piece of grass (avocado chicken panini has never tasted better).
+ laughing, always laughing; holding hands; wearing matching shoes and smiles (in other words, pathetically in love.)
+ incredible, incredible blue sky over hong kong.
+ summer is ending and the air is becoming easier to breathe.
+ the boy gave me my very first bunch of flowers. although I am not a flowers kind of person, it did make my heart smile a little.
+ the simplicity and satisfaction of making coffee in the morning for the family is sometimes enough to make me content.
+ walking to work early in the morning, fresh air and the smell of fruit from the fruit market.

and so on.