colors that don’t exist

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tonight I need some time alone. I am grateful for the empty apartment and the glass of red wine, which sits next to me. I am struggling. there are no order words I could possibly use right now to describe my current state of mind. I am shuffling through the music, trying to find something that would be soothe my mind, but I can only last thirty seconds before I need to change the song. finishing a single sentence seems like a task. our differing schedules bother me. sometimes it doesn’t feel like we are even on the same page. then they are other times when I cannot imagine life being any other way. time apart would do us good, and that saddens me. in my mind, I keep returning to my european trip. all I can think about is how much I need a change. but changing everything seems impossible. I doubt I have it in me to start over again; the last time left deep wounds, too deep to heal completely.

I miss him in a way that has nothing to do with how much time spend together or how often we see each other. it is intangible. I cannot figure out what I am feeling or thinking. just bouts of frustration, anger and occasional euphoria. an unhealthy combination of no sleep and too much sleep. sometimes I forget to eat, sometimes I eat too much in one sitting. and so on. imbalance, constant. everything bothers me, but I am chary.

chary. isn’t that such a beautiful word?

things I love about hong kong

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I love writing lists. it’s pretty much a daily habit of mine. this time it is a little different for some reason. I am trying to reestablish, create if you will, a writing routine. a writing discipline. I need one of those, but I have been losing touch with my city lately. I feel like I need to remind myself what I love about hong kong.​ that way, perhaps, everything else will become easier.

+​ hong kong streets. I absolutely love the streets of hong kong. in central, in soho, in mong kok, in yau ma tei, which is my neighborhood. walking around different districts​ with a camera in my hand is my favorite thing to do.
+ its international, global nature. this is no longer unique or special in today’s world, but being in hong kong is what made me exposed to different cultures, different nationalities. if it wasn’t for moving here seven years ago, there are too many things I wouldn’t even know about, let alone experience them.
+ obsession with food. hong kong is absolutely obsessed with food, eating and everything related.
+ gai daan jai (鷄蛋仔) ​; I can eat the bubble pancakes every day.​
+ no daylight savings time. I am forever grateful for this.
+ winters are warm and days aren’t that much darker during winter days.
+ victoria harbor and the ferry rides. absolutely.
+ hong kong’s public transportation. we have the best metro system in the world, I swear.
+ ladies’ nights. because where else in the world can you get free drinks, all night twice a week, just because you have the correct chromosome combination.
+ in comparison to hong kong, new york city is sleepy.
+ the airport. god, I love the hong kong international airport.

and so on.

winter is departing definitely, and I like my coffee with a little bit of cinnamon now. routine is exhausting.

happy birthday, kiddo

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I missed last year. I don’t know if I forgot about it, or it just wasn’t relevant. although perhaps I just didn’t want to repeat myself. but here it is. kurt cobain would have been 46 years old today. it doesn’t matter, nobody really cares. he’s fucking dead. but. I spent a great part of my life, being completely obsessed and indulged in his music, his life, his art. his everything. to me, it’s somehow important to acknowledge this day. I don’t know. I guess I just wonder where we would be today, if he was still alive.

happy birthday, kiddo.