central MTR station, hong kong; this morning.
the past week has been a wind whirl of emotions, confusion and burning desire the get the fuck out of here. my days in hong kong are numbered now. I don’t have a flight ticket or a date or a schedule. but I know I am not going to be here for much longer. an incredibly satisfying feeling comes in hand with this fact. I should feel guilty about it, but I don’t. in fact, there is a whole list of things I should be feeling guilty about, but I am not. I guess that makes me either a horrible person, or just a girl that has given up on trying to please everybody at the same time. I can forget, but never forgive, so here we are, in the final stage of our demise. so much for thoughtfulness on a monday.
I ate scraps of roasted chicken for breakfast. I drank coconut water and coffee from a bottomless cup. the morning routine is the only one I can stand. I thought of the boy who died in a motorbike accident last week. I’d met him two years ago, when I was visiting my best friend at his summerhouse in southern bohemia. back then I was so sure we’d meet again. but he is gone. only twenty-three years old. and the world just keeps going on, as if nothing happened. I thought about him as I boarded the packed morning train with everybody squished like canned sardines. it makes no sense and I hate it. I hate it.
I wish the weather would clear out. I am looking forward to cardigans and my orange timberlands. I am looking forward to september. the change is in the air, I can smell it. I’ve been looking up flights because he unexpectedly made me miss new york city; sitting in bryant park with all those tables and chairs scattered around, listening to people’s chatter and children’s laughing, writing. it was summer and they had open cinema. breakfast at tiffany’s. I never felt like a tourist in new york. it was always about doing regular things. coffees and lunches, galleries and walks around greenwich village. never so much about lady liberty or the view from the empire. back then I felt like the center of the world with so little.
now, with so much, I don’t feel like anything.
the week has passed by with such speed I find it hard to believe that it’s saturday again. I wish I could say that marks the end of my working week, but no. I am okay with it, though. I spent a lot of time reading; alexandra fuller’s scribbling the cat. I am not reading the book, I am swallowing it. her writing amazes me. I spent time reading and writing, because a good book makes my fingers itch immediately. I wish I could put a stop to my infamous habit of writing at three in the morning. and then clicking send. to my surprise, the words still made sense when I re-read them in the morning, but it’s kind of hard to tell what irreparable damage has been done. it was like a boom. big bang. something. but I will live.
the weather has been insufferable. in fact, it was just after monday night last week that it started to rain. I didn’t realize before how angry everybody was with me before. I wish they weren’t. I need some space, some time to think about everything. to exist, to write, to breathe. I need to learn how to live, and how to enjoy it. I feel as if I’ve just been living through my life. it took a completely different person to make me realize that. someone had to storm into my life and disturb the levelness. if there had ever been any.
I am happy I am reading again. it means my own voice, my own words will start to come back soon, too.
august 19: the world humanitarian day
I have nothing mindful to write today. my head feels empty, my heart is drained. I am completely demotivated by everything and everyone around me. I live in a world that values absolutely nothing and cares about the most irrelevant fucking things on this planet. so I am becoming like everyone else. but this will come to an end. immediately.
I wish for a pure, creative life. one with intelligent people; with creatives and intellectuals. a life filled with books and writings, with the ocean and the sand. with small children and dogs that will make your day bright and cheerful. with people who are not envious and deliberately mean. I wish for a thoughtful life. I wish for a life filled with tasty meals and healthy choices. I want to smell the air and breathe in the freshness of it every morning when I wake up. I want to feel like this song every time I listen to it. because right now, it’s not there. I remember a time when listening to it made sense, a time when I could actually feel it. and it wasn’t about the weather outside or the length of the lunch line. it wasn’t about any of these things that I seem to care about today. I finally realized that a dream job, or a dream life doesn’t exist. I have to create it.
and I am going to create it. perhaps not overnight, but I am starting today. with the smallest things.
today is also the world humanitarian day. I haven’t been able to do much except contribute and further encourage the sport of consumerism, which is exactly what I don’t want to be doing with my life. I am tired of that somebody who isn’t doing something about something. one day I will do something about something that somebody else isn’t doing. tonight I have nothing else to share except this.
I hope you will spread the word for a better world.
looking out from pupukea, oahu, july 2013. image by emma erickson.
august is the month of changes, definitely. it feels so good to lick a taste of something different. something different from all these long months that are behind us. we were so eager to leave them behind, and now it’s happened. that feeling when you wait for something for so long, you forget a little bit, what it is that you’re waiting for. then it happens; but because of all that time in between, you don’t know how to be happy about it. but we are. finally. things have to get worse before they get better. it’s always been like that. I feel as if some really heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have been so abstract lately; even myself when I go back to my words, I am not sure what exactly it was that I was referring to. now I will always know. in the end, it was all worth it.
my thoughts and wishes to leave hong kong are slowly shaping up to come true. I may possibly have just a couple of weeks left in this city. the decision has been made, but nothing is complete yet. this transition period is harder than I thought it would be. everything is somewhat in the middle. here, but not there and not anywhere else either. I’ve used these words already, yet that doesn’t make them any less true. I am slowly working through my mixed emotions and confused thoughts. like brushing out a completely tangled bundle of hair, trying to cause the least possible amount of damage. something like that. it’s a little bit painful now; it’ll be good later. I am full of metaphors lately; it’s kind of exhausting. I had no idea that monday’s prophecy would actually turn into reality. rain has washed away the city’s heat, typhoon eight was just an empty threat. hong kong’s population goes on living as it always does.
I am the only one who tenses up a little bit, when there’s an airplane roaring the sky.