mindful mondays, twenty-two

08262013-mmtwentytwo

central MTR station, hong kong; this morning.

the past week has been a wind whirl of emotions, confusion and burning desire the get the fuck out of here. my days in hong kong are numbered now. I don’t have a flight ticket or a date or a schedule. but I know I am not going to be here for much longer. an incredibly satisfying feeling comes in hand with this fact. I should feel guilty about it, but I don’t. in fact, there is a whole list of things I should be feeling guilty about, but I am not. I guess that makes me either a horrible person, or just a girl that has given up on trying to please everybody at the same time. I can forget, but never forgive, so here we are, in the final stage of our demise. so much for thoughtfulness on a monday.

I ate scraps of roasted chicken for breakfast. I drank coconut water and coffee from a bottomless cup. the morning routine is the only one I can stand. I thought of the boy who died in a motorbike accident last week. I’d met him two years ago, when I was visiting my best friend at his summerhouse in southern bohemia. back then I was so sure we’d meet again. but he is gone. only twenty-three years old. and the world just keeps going on, as if nothing happened. I thought about him as I boarded the packed morning train with everybody squished like canned sardines. it makes no sense and I hate it. I hate it.

I wish the weather would clear out. I am looking forward to cardigans and my orange timberlands. I am looking forward to september. the change is in the air, I can smell it. I’ve been looking up flights because he unexpectedly made me miss new york city; sitting in bryant park with all those tables and chairs scattered around, listening to people’s chatter and children’s laughing, writing. it was summer and they had open cinema. breakfast at tiffany’s. I never felt like a tourist in new york. it was always about doing regular things. coffees and lunches, galleries and walks around greenwich village. never so much about lady liberty or the view from the empire. back then I felt like the center of the world with so little.

now, with so much, I don’t feel like anything.

you sit and you bleed

the week has passed by with such speed I find it hard to believe that it’s saturday again. I wish I could say that marks the end of my working week, but no. I am okay with it, though. I spent a lot of time reading; alexandra fuller’s scribbling the cat. I am not reading the book, I am swallowing it. her writing amazes me. I spent time reading and writing, because a good book makes my fingers itch immediately. I wish I could put a stop to my infamous habit of writing at three in the morning. and then clicking send. to my surprise, the words still made sense when I re-read them in the morning, but it’s kind of hard to tell what irreparable damage has been done. it was like a boom. big bang. something. but I will live.

the weather has been insufferable. in fact, it was just after monday night last week that it started to rain. I didn’t realize before how angry everybody was with me before. I wish they weren’t. I need some space, some time to think about everything. to exist, to write, to breathe. I need to learn how to live, and how to enjoy it. I feel as if I’ve just been living through my life. it took a completely different person to make me realize that. someone had to storm into my life and disturb the levelness. if there had ever been any.

I am happy I am reading again. it means my own voice, my own words will start to come back soon, too.