life, lately

20140331 - life lately

lots of yellow (it happened last year, too)
tiu keng leng / at a crossing / rainy morning / waiting for my lift

march in a list

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I feel as thought as weight has been lifted off me, ever since I finished mindful mondays. curated, weekly posts are not for me. 52 weeks failed after six, but I am keeping the images in a folder and they will come alive at some point. just not yet. I am returning to my simplicity, to spontaneous words and quiet contemplations. writing a series of weekly posts makes me uncomfortable. I thought of another three or four themes, but I rejected all the ideas already. balance is something else. balance is this:

things I enjoyed this month

+ the feeling of paying my first rent. on time, and with great satisfaction. 37 days in a new home and counting.
+ coffees with the boy. sometimes in the morning, sometimes he walks with me to work and we drink our cups on the roof of ifc before my shift. sometimes he comes unannounced in the middle of the afternoon with a coffee in hand for me. early morning, late afternoon, any time of the day. cappuccino, hot chocolate. mine and his, always.
+ quiet movie nights at home. we’d watched too many films to count lately. oh and the godfather last night again.
+ a new ritual of daily fresh squeezed grapefruit juice on the way to work. I found a cheaper version of the same quality and I am keeping it without skipping a day. sometimes, I crave a second bottle in the afternoon. it really gives me an energy boost like nothing else.
+ Her; beautiful film, cinematography, soundtrack. in a way, it reminded me of A Single Man. hilarious, thought-provoking, astonishing. a definite recommendation.
+ the slow transition between winter and spring. hong kong is well on the way to experience its first heat waves, which I am not looking forward to. but currently, the blue skies, temperature in the low twenties (*Celsius),  morning breeze and freshness in the air. loving it.

things I did not enjoy this month

+ another outbreak of my atopic dermatitis. I am thinking of writing a post about this problem of mine, inspired by Boo. [czech only] mine is not as extreme as hers, but we are using all the same products.
+ unnecessary spending and wasting of money. I have become such a conscious spender; it is ridiculous. almost like a change in personality. I kind of appreciate it, but at the same time, it doesn’t exactly allow me to enjoy myself.
+ daily routine. it is becoming a little bit too much and I am looking for a change.

mindful mondays, fifty-two

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I had never expected or thought that I would actually finish all fifty-two weeks of this so-called project. I have no idea what this is. a series of timed posts in hopes of establishing a writing routine, discipline, something. in terms of that goal, mindful mondays have shamelessly failed. I rarely wrote the posts on monday and there was no continuity between them. I don’t know. but I am here. at week fifty-two. writing the final post, because I don’t intend to continue into a second year. there is no reason for me to, really. I have other projects on my mind and a rather extensive list of deadlines, which need to be completed. I am trying to develop or figure out a daily schedule, in which I would have enough time for my full-time job, freelance projects, possibly another website, a hong kong guidebook, which I am working on, photography sessions and the occasional physical activities (yoga! tennis! you naughty mind.) it’s proving to be almost impossible.

but I am trying. I am making the ends meet and not only that, but they are also beginning to make sense. we celebrated the first month in our new apartment quietly. it is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. there is a healthy balance between time together, time alone and things that need to be done and things that can wait. there is no pressure anywhere and all is going with the flow. I am grateful for this. the past month has brought changes, definitely. a new home neighborhood, a new work neighborhood. new friends and colleagues; new acquaintances. new films and new music. everything that I have been wanting and needing. as much as my routine is monotone and identical from day-to-day, there are handful of things that make me happy, that keep me afloat and inspired.

so much for mindfulness.

je veux

the sun shone through my hair as I exited my building. a slight breeze in the air; it is not cold anymore. it felt like spring this morning. nostalgia surprised me, though. march and april, they are such deceptive months. I can’t be trusted with my emotional swings; with my moody ups and down. the smallest things will set me off, create a volcano of mean words and irrational accusations. it’s one thing I honestly despise about myself; the inability to keep a constant state of mind.

but I have never been able to.

I ran into the magician the other night after not seeing him for long months. and in fact, the last time we had a proper chat was a year ago when he took me out for a birthday lunch. which I will never forget. he looked lascivious in a proper suit and I wanted to keep talking. I miss having people like him around. people with something to say. he promised to keep in touch. that same night, I ran into an old friend of a friend who is no longer friend or maybe he is. and the other two. both from the same company, the same country. wide-eyed and crazy at the sight of endless skirts and bare legs of lan kwai fong; the free booze and then the music. relatively new to hong kong, they were crazed. excited about everything. not unlike him. with one significant difference; as opposed to the other one, they lacked in intelligence and maturity, not to mention the certain flair of a gentleman. I thought of them as the second generation and was greatly disappointed. when the fight started, I left.

in fact, that whole night was disappointing. I waited at the beyrouth cafe, chatting with one of the brothers. he showed me pictures of his wife and children. former and future supermodels. the boy picked me up on the corner and we waited another few minutes. then the bird showed up. he offered me a hug and a bottled pear cider, which has become my favorite drink when I don’t want to get drunk. I knew he wanted something that night so I just waited. and it came. what do you think of her? it was then, that I realized that he genuinely cared about me, because otherwise I cannot explain why he would care so much about my opinion. it was the highlight of the night, seeing the two of them together again.

my life has become about searching for highlights in the midst of greyness and boredom. also, je veux has made a return in the mornings.

mindful mondays, fifty-one

generalizations of the society. the hatred first, the anger comes later. quiet rebellion, I question whether anyone recognizes it. it just gets worse. thoughts processes. I’m keeping myself busy. with nightly walks around the neighborhoods; mong kok, prince edward, sham shui po. I am ignoring the connotations that come with these territories. I like the crowded streets, the neon, and the typical asian feel. it reminds me that I am living in hong kong, not in a sterile bubble of privileged expats. I’m keeping myself busy with writing discipline and keeping up with the word count. when the words flow, everything else becomes easier to deal with.

there is no destiny, you choose your own life. I chose difficult, hard, almost impossible. I chose love over money. sometimes I want to slap myself in the face when even consider the option of missing  the old days. the other one, and all that happened. I knew already I could never settle for expensive dinners and vague signs of admiration. even though that’s a misguided depreciation of what was reality at the time. I am in no position now to feel nostalgic. I yearned something else. I wanted home-cooked meals, and braiding his hair, and waking up in the morning knowing he will already be looking at me. I wanted taking turns in bringing the laundry and him ironing my shirts in the morning while I take a shower. I wanted the kind of relationship where neither will give up when shit gets difficult. it is beautiful rising in the morning, knowing, realizing that we are slowly working through the steps.

psychological disorders; I was doing some research before sleep last night. slightly elevated, but not overly optimistic, I read through several articles. every time I’d spot a sign, even if just between the lines, my heart would get heavier. then I’d think about some of my own slip ups and wonder whether I am headed down the same path. it grips at my heart every time I think about it. yet, it was lovely to hear her voice and know that she was having a good day. my grandmother turned seventy-four years old and it set the tone for the entire day.

in the evening, we sat outside and the night was already in the ruins. but I sort of held on, as if to see whether something would change, but of course not. verbal abuse was dessert and I took it with the icing, too. peel street was dark and I avoided it. the bird was drunk and pathetic, not being able to handle the fact that someone might actually love him. I understand him more than he’ll ever know. I wonder whether someone understands me the same way without me knowing it.

tonight a bottle of red and george michael are keeping me company and I am content.