life, lately

20140630 - life lately

incredible indian food; one dinner with the bird at the beginning of the month / picnic lunch with the boy at zero carbon park in kowloon bay / kelly & moss / a beautiful hong kong morning / victoria harbour + a helicopter / summer lunch: bruschetta, olives and feta cheese with a mojito

a list | things I believe in

I believe in coffee at any time of the day. I believe in nights when the stars fill the sky and the city is quiet. I believe in love at first sight. not because it’s a fairy tale, but because it does happen. I believe in old paperbacks. I believe that beauty comes from within. I believe in summer nights that turn into mornings; nights when you forget about everything and just live.

I believe in crossing borders and stepping out of the comfort zone. I believe in following your heart and not listening to what anybody else says. I believe in hand-written notes and letters. I believe in journaling and writing. I believe in words. I believe in holding hands and kissing often and a lot.

I believe that things can get better. I believe that happiness should not be the ultimate goal in one’s life. I believe in taking chances. I believe in forgiving.

I believe because I have to.

disconnected

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friendly mess at home.

disconnected. in some, this word brings on a wave of terror. disconnected internet, disconnected phone. disconnected. left alone, out there. it’s scary. what scares me the most and what is happening right now is that I am disconnected – from my writing. from my own words. I can’t reach my inner voice. all I hear an echo, a fake promise. I am struggling to bring it back. in fact, I have no idea whether I can or whether I will or even just how to do it. the last post I wrote, on being productive. I fucking hate it. it’s a lie, it’s not me. it’s all true what I’ve written, but it’s a lie. because that’s not who I am. I don’t hand out advices how to become productive. it’s not who I am. for a second, I wanted to delete the post completely. but it will stay there. to remind me. of what not to do again.

I’m a little bit angry at myself, disappointed and just plain drained. in terms of writing. I feel like I have nothing to go on. it’s not writer’s block, because I am still writing. every day, I still write words and sentences and paragraphs and even entire pages. but I bury them. I delete them or I mark them untitled so I don’t have a reason to open these files ever again. files, plural. there are so many; untitled, unmarked. it’s my clue not to open them, but of course I open them. I read them, too. I cringe at the words. I hate them. I hate everything I write. my stomach turns upside down every single time.

I’ve felt like this for months. it’s difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when it started. I am not sure whether there is a beginning to this. maybe it’s a constant state. something that will never change. I am at a point in my life where I seriously doubt my decision to write. to become a writer one day. I could have chosen something else. something equally difficult, but something entirely different. neurosurgery sounds fun right now. (apologies to all hard-working med students. I’m being sarcastic at my own expense.)

I am not sure what to do.

life, lately

20140606 - life lately

beach, sunshine, blue skies, ocean. perfection.
cheung sha lower beach, lantau island.
hong kong. 2014.

june days

eating fresh salads, chicken & avocado wraps and fruits. oh and weekly dinners at mama africa; some proper chicken with pili pili, okra and fufu. I can’t go a week without it.

drinking iced coffees and iced teas. the heat is wearing me out. occasionally, I find myself out in central area, or kennedy town, having a drink with the boy in silence, people-watching. it’s our favorite thing to do.

practicing writing daily. words escape me. I always think of a perfect sentence when it is not the right time to write it down. I should get into a habit of noting my thoughts down on the go. thinking I will be able to get back to it later never works.

mastering time management and maximizing productivity. work has been busier lately, but also less fulfilling. I’ve taken on too many things in the last two months and I am feeling demotivated by everything.

learning without even trying bits and pieces of lingala. it’s entirely accidental. surprisingly lingala has some common phrases, which I recognize from croatian with different meanings and in a different context, of course. but it’s funny to see connections and similarities.

reading mandela’s long walk to freedom. almost at the end. and maya angelou. I read almost every night, for at least an hour, before moving onto other things. all I have to do is remember that I enjoy spending time with a book far more than I like to watch television. it works for me.

remembering too many things; I’ve been caught up in my own mind and the past too much. inner dilemmas and debates are exhausting me, sometimes I forget where I am because I am too lost in my own thoughts.

wearing striped skirts, long-sleeved button-down shirts, and pajamas. summer is in full force in hong kong and won’t subside any time before october. just thinking about that makes me sweat.

making iced coffee with coffee-infused ice cubes and tiny leaves of basil. I’ve tried mint as well, and it works perfectly. next on the experimental list: lavender.

taking courses at coursera. I’m currently enrolled in four different courses and have absolutely no time to complete all the coursework, but at least I am watching the lectures and spending hours doing research. it feels so good. to learn for no reason.

sleeping. a lot. I don’t know how it happens, but I get ten hours of sleep on average.