Life has different plans for me.
I turned 24 last week and instead of partying hard, I splurged on a flight ticket back home. Something inside me clicked and I just had to.
Everything else will take care of itself. But at least I made the first step; the first step in the right direction. In my head, I am already long gone. The real heartbreak is yet to come. Because I come first.
I come first.
What I want and what I need.
It comes first.
I am not sure where we are headed. All I know is that I have to leave.
Everything else will come into place when the time is right.
TWO MONTHS LATER, SHE WRITES AGAIN.
I was going to post a couple of unpublished posts (written over the years for enjoythewait and lost) last month to fill up the space and create the illusion of writing regularly, but decided against it. Authenticity. The word has been floating around my brain; I’ve been turning it over on my tongue, trying to see how it fits.
Things have been strange lately. Not bad, or good. Strange. I am physically in one place, mentally in another one. There’s work and there’s home. There’s writing and there’s silence. There is the truth and there are lies. I am finding myself in the mix and not many ways to decipher the meaning of what it all means. The problem with right now is that I am trying to do it all at once.
I’m learning and the curve is steep.
Third week of January found me heading into a different direction. Hopefully something that was going to stick. Initial excitement has worn off as it always does, but I am hanging onto what I have right now with every fibre of my being.
Day to day there isn’t much to write about, or to celebrate. But in the long run, it’s the misery that keeps me going. I keep a folder full of dreams, add to it almost every day and my hunger grows. There’s much more to life than this and it’s what keeps me going.
February was too short to even notice. Chinese New Year disturbed my workflow. I spend my days doing absolutely nothing but reading, watching documentaries and writing lists of things for the future. Notes of running thoughts. It’s another thing that keeps me going.
Being able to release and realize my thoughts at any given moment. Simplenote is what every writer, thinker, entrepreneur and stay-at-home mom needs. Writing is an obligation I wasn’t ready for and my therapy for dealing with the burden of it is to write about it. In hopes of dismantling the blocks of guilt in my guts. Another circle I walk every day.
Temporary solutions to permanent problems.
I have shifted from one extreme into another. I stay at home most of my free hours. Experimenting with our furniture, reorganizing clothes and books. I enjoy not seeing people and living in my own world.
Being present is hard.