204: the last day of november

i like to browse through tumblr websites. i always discover beautiful photography, quotes and words that warm me at heart. words that make me smile. my newest individual discovery is mike. a recovering heroin addict writing about his new life. about his new path, which he walks sober. everything is new to him his mind is like that of a child but his experiences reach far beyond the label child’s experiences. normal people never experience what he has already experienced in a life time. the word normal is extremely judging and relative. it is a lie, an illusion which we feed ourselves every day. i promise not to use it anymore.

i’ve been thinking of writing him an email. i have saved his email address into my contacts list, i opened up a new email.. and i stopped. i realized i don’t know what to say, what to write. i wish you all the best in your life? no. i thought of writing a single sentence – i admire you because in a way you are stronger than i ever will be. but i don’t know him. people judge and i don’t want to do that. i don’t want to be that person. i got stuck, i closed the window and went to sleep. it was three o’clock in the morning.

living in a state of texas, to me a land distant just as the world of drugs is. i still have no formed words in my mind even though there is so much i would like to say. we all have our addictions. it is just the false measure of destructiveness that makes us judge others. we judge people based on what we think is right. mike’s story reminded me of what i have to work on. it reminded me of what is hard for me. it reminded me of the path i am yet to walk. the path i am yet to discover. we are all addicted to something. we all let something destroy us. you are not alone.

loners usually tell people they are alone because they like their solidarity. but that’s not true. it is only because the world keeps disappointing them over and over. you haven’t. you got out and showed the world who you really are. something i am yet to do. i don’t know you, i don’t know who you are. i don’t know what rest of the world is. and it doesn’t matter. you are not alone. such a cliché.

i want to think of it a little differently. there is a girl somewhere far far away from the world you know who thinks of you, waits for your words to appear in her google reader. you asked people what they are grateful for. i am grateful for the little words and images from the life i will never taste because my world is different from everything you know. i am grateful for that because it makes me appreciate people as they are. as they have been.

i could keep writing and writing, showing off my affection but i am going to stop. miami ink starts in couple of minutes.

i hope you can sleep well tonight.

November 30, 2008