two nights away from home; the boy and I are evolving, growing, moving forward. from time to time I catch myself starring at his profile, thinking: yeah, this is working. I don’t want to have to think or analyze. I don’t want to hope and create standards in my mind that will only come back to haunt me in the future. you’re everything to me. falling asleep in his arms and waking up to another day of possibilities. I allowed myself to sleep in today; by the time we got out of bed it was three o’clock in the afternoon. I almost felt rebellious for not having to wake up before sunrise. eighteen degrees but it was freezing. both of us under-dressed, starving, holding hands and collecting coins to pay the bus fare. outcast children of a chaotic city jungle. he let me have my noodle soup, his never came but he wasn’t angry. he never gets angry. for the first time we were together in daylight but before we knew it the sky started changing back into shadows; the sky blankets the city as if trying to preserve its secrets.
last night I ordered from a chinese restaurant but didn’t like the food; k and I sat at roadside bar discussing alphabets and the fact I’ve given up mine for a single person. filmmaker joined us shortly before midnight. phonograph was just as I remembered from last time; I didn’t even finish my drink because I wanted to be gone already. his uncle’s wife’s birthday celebration; plastic cups, fairy lights and african music on speakers. I fell asleep on a pink sofa for about twenty minutes. and then if I were a boy the remix. I kept thinking throughout the night that there were times when I wasted my life away but this isn’t one of those.
January 21, 2012