219: underworld

we cling to music to poems to quotes to writing to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. we want to know we aren’t going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you’re feeling. we want someone to explain the things we can’t. we love everything tied up neatly, easy, simple, and when we can’t do that it scares the hell out of us. to not know the next step, or where you’re headed, kills. being unsure isn’t in our plans. but its those moments, the ones where you risk it and step unknowingly into the future that assures us life is larger than we’ll ever know.

i can’t sleep. i’m listening to radiohead. there is something incredibly calm about their music. disturbing and calm. just as this night. i ran into one of the twins on the stairs today. the other one. i didn’t see him because of my new hat i only saw his shoes i bumped straight into him. he didn’t seem to mind. instead of walking down the stairs he turned around and walked back up with me only to hear i’m fine how are you. i paid my tuition made a copy of my passport and hong kong id for booking of air tickets to vietnam next march. i’m looking forward to it. it should be a great experience.

the two films of tonight are blow and the cider house rules. first satisfied my admiration of johnny depp and obsession with drug addicts and the second one my general interest in stories of life. but that’s putting it mildly. personally i think fifty dollars for those films were nothing compared to how much they meant to me tonight. i need to do some research.

i’ve been writing the whole today. it’s four o’clock in the morning. the beginning of this day seems like decades ago. buona notte.

the official toxicity limit for humans is between one and one and half grams of cocaine depending on body weight. i was averaging five grams a day, maybe more. i snorted ten grams in ten minutes once. i guess i had a high tolerance. – george jung.