the words for this one; I have been trying to form them for a long time (since october when I first started this letter). nothing was coming to me, and then I realized that I will just have to sit down and write. I still think about your friend; the one who died in the motorbike accident a few weeks ago. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me. when you needed someone. back then, that summer two years ago, I thought that we would all meet one day again. the way we always were. but that’s not going to happen and I am so sorry about that. I am really sorry that you lost your best friend. I am. oh, I am. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through, but I wish I could. I hope there will be a time when this distance between us lessens and we will be closer to each other again. ever since I started writing these letters to you, it has always been about that. closing down the distance between us, minimizing it. I used to think we’d be together one day, but now I don’t anymore, and it’s okay. I mean, I think it is.
I hope that you know that to me, you are completely unique. one of my closest friends; my best friend. despite the distance and years apart. how many now? almost eight. but that’s what you still are to me. I wonder whether one day, I will break the secrecy and I just use your name. but I have never done that. to anyone. it always been this unbreakable rule. I don’t know. it feels better. I wonder whether you know this is about you. I wonder whether you have stumbled upon this space of mine. and if you did, why you have never said anything? maybe because you have no idea I am writing these so-called letters to you.
I have been going through some things lately; since last year, really. I am waiting for the day when we will sit together, you and me. the way we always do. since we were kids, we’d have this time together, that one else could interrupt. I miss it. I am waiting for that. because then I will be able to tell you. talk, spill it all out. and I know you. you will have something to say, but it will never be judgement. and it’s what I need. I just need to see your face, sitting across from me. drinking and smoking, talking. I need to see the look on your face. it’s been so long. I am looking forward to being back at home; we’ll be a little closer and seeing you will be much easier. don’t you think?
I wish there was a way to stop the burning confusion.
signed oscar wilde.
December 12, 2013