my head aches from the lack of sleep and the unnecessary yet unavoidable shot of tequila last night. and then some. unprovoked outing on a tuesday night once used to be a regularity; in a way it was sweet to be reminded of the youth before everything. between then and now, my relations with people around me have changed massively. a lot of it has something to do with summer, some of it has something with the fact that I have been forced to grow up too much in a very short time. in the opposite direction from everyone else. or maybe, adjacent since I am being geometrically correct. bitterness reeks from my words, but the list of my reasons for dissatisfaction is very short. there is almost nothing on the list. almost.

instead of publishing the heart list, this is what you will get from me today. the list of bitterness.

+ honest graduation song. it put me in a strange mood because now I can relate to it even more than I did two years ago. has it been two years already?!
+ the letter to the little one I wrote yesterday. why am I doing this to myself?
+ last night’s conversation with the boy. or rather, his monologue. it broke my heart, despite the fact that everything he said was good and good only. guilt.
+ that one shot of tequila.

one positive: mama sanja is flying in this afternoon after being absent for almost two months. the plains of eastern europe have had enough, I think. her being over there and me being here; it was just mean. on the other hand, I hope she’s bringing yummy goodies back. selfish.

selfish, adj.: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

I loathe everything about that word. mainly because I have misused it in the last weeks on more than one occasion. sometimes I hate myself for being an only child. not everything is about you, bitch. anyway. it is amazing how a song like this can help. actually, help.

November 7, 2012