3:49 am

I don’t want to disturb you. I really don’t. but I miss you. and I consider myself a better friend than she’ll ever be because I understand you better than she does. and my feelings do not change in accordance with yours. but that doesn’t matter, I don’t want to get into anything here. it’s been an amazing day. with ups and downs, but still an amazing day. I had a lunch with one of my great friends from high school, vietnamese, we talked about school and future and everything that is coming up. as it turns out I am not the only one entirely lost and confused. we mostly talked about politics, this friend of mine, he’s one of the few people I can discuss politics with and that’s why I admire him. today was a beautiful day. much warmer than the last few days, the sky was mostly blue. I spent almost two hours in a bookstore, researching non fiction for my book. mostly books about hong kong politics and government, I’m trying to fill in my gaps on hong kong fiscal policies, laws and regulations. some of my facts don’t add up and I need to fix that. I have been doing a lot of research for my book in the last few days, but the more I get to know my characters, the more I hate them. which is not good. I’m going to have to start over and just the idea of it is driving me insane.

I’m moving along with my self-study of arabic. it’s a beautiful language, but the grammar is one of the hardest I have ever seen. حب is a beautiful word. but we’ll get there, eventually we will and things will be okay again. I’m sure of that. somehow spending time at home isn’t doing me any good. my mind wanders around, I am never at one place. I’m trying to sort things out, I’m trying to figure out what I want. I feel so stuck and so energized at the same time. does that mean I am just standing at one place all the time? running against flow? I am not sure, I don’t know. but the only thought on my mind is that I need to get the fuck out of here. anywhere, just not here.

we went to see the band. I haven’t seen any of them for almost two months. I am spending all of my time in the red district. I like the anonymous status that they give me there. but there’s something about kowloon side that always attracts me, keeps me coming back. and although I left the house in the worst possible way, the night turned out to be amazing. we chatted with the trumpet guy, I remembered the drummer from a few nights ago. his name is dc and I will always be attracted to his new york accent. and then the guy from soiree from almost a year ago. I haven’t seen him since that night and seeing him tonight was like being let free of everything that has happened in the last two months. we talked, they bought drinks for my best friend and I, the music was amazing. jazz, free jazz, acid, soul. everything that I have grown up on. I missed the australian and I wished he was there to hear it, but not tonight. maybe some other time. I am not ready to give up on us. not yet.