I am exhausted. nothing else comes to my mind right now. but there’s a list of things, which I have to do. and the list seems to be endless. fucking endless. to some extent keeping busy prevents me from thinking and analyzing everything all the time, but the thing is, I feel like I am on the edge of my willingness to keep going. I need some quiet, calm time – preferably a whole afternoon – to sit down, write down every single thing that’s on my mind and then start all over. today has been a particularly bad day. I might actually be the only person in the world who dislikes fridays. not just because of this one. I overslept. couldn’t wake up on time because of throbbing migraine. it refused to go away for the rest of the day. the weather affects me. more than at any other time of the year. I am not sure why. I would like the greyness to go away it’s becoming unbearable.
I devoting a lot of time to education. I am loving my french lessons. it doesn’t seem like studying, it’s rather relaxing. it’s more about having a friend. I spend copious amount of time creating lists. writing down lists calms me down. films, books, albums, names, vocabularies, tasks to do, my favorite words, days of the week in different languages. it might be because it creates a sense of order in this chaotic period. the moments during which I am sitting still and only writing make the world look sedated. or maybe it’s just because I have no time to write long journals anymore.
I feel like I should slow down a little bit, but even the idea of it makes me restless.
February 5, 2010