one could go out and be lost in the snow, forget the world, and oneself

dear ____,

it’s constantly dark outside. or so it seems to me because I stay awake until the morning, sleep during the day and get up in the afternoon. you never understood this. maybe you do now, I am not sure. we’ve changed. I think we have exchanged our habits. you gave me yours, I gave you mine. but we haven’t spoken since last year so I don’t know what you’re doing right now. you’re moving between two countries every couple of months and I’ve been meaning to ask you whether you would mind adding another one to your list next year. but I am not sure where. I don’t know what I am going to do. and I never really asked you, and I feel like I should have. we need to talk seriously. it’s time. it makes me uncomfortable, but that’s what it is.

I dare to say I have become a more sensible person. I am not just a bundle of unreasonable opinions and anger anymore. you remember that time, I remember yours. but it’s gone now. we have both outgrown our outrage. the only thing that hurts is that we’re so different in our ideals for the future. so different it seems impossible we will ever cross paths. or be anywhere near each other. every day I am thinking how to lessen the distance. but I cannot do it alone. one of the few things I cannot do on my own. I wonder whether you think about this. ever. or is it just me.

and so I keep wondering. the change of numbers didn’t really change anything. not yet.

signed oscar wilde.

January 11, 2010