falling whistles. endless research on the topic. feeling pain. I keep re-reading the email I sent to them, pouring my soul out. research, research, research. the clinton failure. the years between 1991 and 1995 seem to be the worst. all the things that preceded them, all the things that followed. reading the history, pushing back the bitter feeling. obsessed with africa. but now it is somehow personal. trying to understand but I will never be able to.
from the email: not only he realizes and knows, but the pain he bears inside him is beyond anything anyone should be forced to feel. I, myself, was born into a civil war in bosnia in 1991 and consider myself croatian. although the issues are different, there is a number of things, which these two events share in common. but we never talk about this. we never talk about the pains, which our countries have brought to our own people, to us, to our families. the same way we avoid the subject of racism, slavery and anything that could come between us being two difference races, falling in love and trying to make it work. it should be simple, right? but it is not because of events over which we have no control and are far out of our reach, yet they affect us daily. and in a horrible way.
I keep trying to imagine what his reaction would be to all of this and nothing comes to me.