a dose of honesty

today is my second day at home. I like working from home. I’ve needed the change of scenery for some time now. I like the quiet and the peace. we keep our apartment clean and simple. I like the earthy tones and the white walls. I like the majestic iMac, which sits on a table in the corner. the fridge is empty, as it has been for most of this week. I experiment with food each day, and I get frustrated at the lack of healthy options I’ve been eating lately. every day, I think to myself, tomorrow I will start my daily exercises. but I never do. it’s something my body is craving yet I am not doing anything for it. it has been like this for many years now, and I am frustrated with it. I am frustrated. there isn’t any other way how to describe my current state of mind. I don’t feel well physically, which affects everything. my mood, my attitude. everything. I keep consoling myself by looking at images and videos at pinterest, tumblr, vimeo and instagram. imaging my other life. imaging life the way I would like it to be and the way I would like to live. I keep saving everything into a folder on my computer; looking over and over at every single file. instead of living it, I am just imagining it.

I am frustrated.

in the last twelve months I have experienced more inner changes than I had ever expected. my way of thinking has changed in ways I never thought would be possible. my expectations of future have changed. my expectations in general. I am still trying to justify all these changes, trying to convince myself that everything is alright and I have nothing to be ashamed of. or perhaps, ashamed is not the right word. I have no reason to be justifying myself to anyone, yet I still am. I feel as if I have somehow lowered my expectations of life, but made it simpler. easier. I started dreaming of different things. something inside me changed so deeply, it changed my values. it changed them so much, living in hong kong doesn’t make sense anymore. it doesn’t fit anymore.

it’s so hard to explain.

I want to stop living inside my head. I want to start living my life exactly the way I want it to be. it isn’t about having a problem-free life, or a life without worries. it’s more about a different environment, a different mindset. simpler ways, cleaner.

changes are hard. but I need them.

May 16, 2013