another quiet night at home. I spent the evening cleaning the floors, sorting through the wardrobe, separating items I wouldn’t be needing until next winter. I retreated from work early today, it had been a particularly bad day. some of it personal, some of it work related, but neither was new. I went for an injection shot to ease the itchiness and redness of the last few days, which made me absentmindedly elevated. in the morning, it still hadn’t worn off. from the beginning, tuesday felt like a second monday and I regretted coming out in the first place. the boy offered comfort and consolation in the form of my favorite take out noodles, scalp massage to ease the terrible migraine of the afternoon and a few episodes of body of proof. days such as today made me wish there was no tomorrow.
but there is tomorrow. it almost two in the morning, and I’m feeling the last bits of energy leaving me. quiet contemplation tonight. the time alone brings out the girl from about five years ago. I always almost forget about her. then she comes back. she reminds me of how to spend time alone. how to use the time effectively. when I am alone, things flow with ease. chores are done, words are written, laundry is sorted. with each passing day, I am becoming more aware of the path I am supposed to take. direction, in which I am supposed to head. I used to be afraid that we wouldn’t be on the same page.
turns out all I had to ask and give time to a conversation. I despise the negative effect that always brushes off on me, making me lose perspective. but I know deeply that I won’t ever give up. we’ve come too far and we’ll be going even farther. words do not amount to much, but they do matter.
April 9, 2014