graham street in central.
I have been quiet; as quiet as I could have possibly been with everything that has been happening this summer. twenty-fourteen is different, just as we had wanted. just as we had predicted. but of course, I wouldn’t believe anything until it was right in front of me. something I could hang onto, something to see & smell. it was so important, crucial even, that I get through the second year without any re-opening of the wounds. eight months into this year, I can proclaim that I have been successful. I have changed; developed. my own mistakes from the past serving as the profound and unavoidable source of motivation and drive. for a long time, I couldn’t pinpoint what it was that inspired me, that kept me going, but it is only people. people who are better than me, people who are proficient and fluent, if not absolute experts in their areas or fields of interests. only through them I have been able to form my own path; create a vision for the future, which is something I did not have before. just a while ago, it was missing. like a blank that needed to be filled in. a form to be completed. a constellation of dots to be connected in order to make sense.
for a long time, I couldn’t comprehend why I was impeccably drawn to the past and the future, never fully living in the present. I was not aware of energies that surround me, energies that control me and energies, which I can control. it wasn’t until I cleared my mind, opened it and went back to the small office on the second floor in one of the buildings in central. I used to disbelieve the entire concept of kinesiology, but it plucked me in so hard and so fast that my views changed overnight. it was like turning on a light switch that was there all along, I just didn’t know it because it was too dark to see it. someone had to show me. it is a shame though, that she didn’t come sooner. that she didn’t appear earlier in my life to show me the switch, as I couldn’t have been spared of a long line of consequences and the painful, horrid days, which I call the aftermath. it cannot happen before it happens.
tomorrow is september the first, which is my personal, inner new year. september as a month has become my favorite over the years, mainly because I dislike hong kong summers the way I do now. I can’t fight this. it is a predisposition that has been forced over me rather than a choice, and my mistake was in not knowing how to cope with it. I think I do now.
june was mainly about unwritten words, and then the written ones. I’d began working on a series of posts for a hong kong city guide and published another with literary city guides of eat this poem. I’m still proud of this compilation. I read some of maya’s words, but I couldn’t focus for more than an hour on anything. I wish I’d escaped to the beach more often, but the heat was grueling. summer always is. we’d explored kennedy town and sheung wan on a number of evenings. we’d explored kowloon bay and to kwa wan. some of the nights were worse than others; sometimes the upper power, the upper hand, that still has a hold over me, takes over and there is nothing I can do about it. those are the fights I’d never written about, because it is the only way I will forget them. as much as writing is about preserving memories, not writing works equally well for the opposite purpose. I am learning to choose the moments and place them in the right folders. empty ones versus lengthy prose of endless self-sabotage.
she said that to me. you enjoy sabotaging yourself. there were a lot of things she said to me and they were so true, I wondered about supernatural powers and humans’ ability to use them.
july was split in the centre with an anniversary I don’t want to explain. it’s straight in the middle, dividing the month into before and after with nothing in between. another reason I have not been writing otherwise is because I’d gotten into a habit of pouring my soul and heart out to a friend, who was not a friend in high school, but now he is. at least not that way. I am still adjusting to how much my relationships have changed with people around me and those that are far away. I spent many hours wandering around SoHo, tsim sha tsui, and kong kok. regular grocery shopping trips. I have not bought any books or clothes for the past three months. well, books maybe. other nights, those rainy hot ones we spend in the cool darkness of a cinema house. as always. four to six movies a month is our average.
I wrote more letters to him (you’ll never see them). I failed to meet with prince edward boy. as punishment jamaica left without me ever seeing him. life is teaching me to be more considerate, mindful and to slow down. the only thing that saved july from its suicide was a fresh opportunity; something entirely new. a chance to do what I have been dreaming about. quietly working towards without actually knowing where it would lead. but dots connected and the universe was on my side. for once. I went back to the second floor and everything came together. bitch, why are you so cryptic all the time? I don’t feel like I have a choice. the bird was a frequent character in our days, but the initial excitement of spending sleepless nights on our sofa has worn out. which is okay. I expect, secretly, that he’ll be back once the heat subsides and there are less vacations to take. there were some good nights. a lot of them. with filmmaker and the quiet one. with randoms I’d met on various occasions. with the parents. I enjoy going back home for a dinner or a session on our balcony filled with conversations, smoke and mason jars of bambus. that was july and it was relatively okay. it could have been worse. it can always be worse.
with august came the hottest days of the summer; of the year. with august came expectations and waiting. a lot of waiting. I waited for things to come together. (they did.) I waited for an email that would tell me, you’ve got the job. (I got it.) I waited for him to acknowledge my existence, even remotely. (he wrote a few times.) I waited for the summer to come to an end. (it did, finally.) I waited for my red, chopped skin to return to normal. (it healed.) I waited with the boy for khalifa’s blacc hollywood to come out. (it came out. and it’s awesome.) I waited. and with waiting I learned that things eventually do happen as I wish, if only I help them a little bit and push in the right direction.
I am so close to being on the right path; so close to being headed in the right the direction. I’m almost there.
August 31, 2014