christmas eve. I am sad tonight; quiet. I put on my favorite music; a shot of lavanda keeps me company. christmas is definitely not what it used to be. but I keep thinking that I will bring it back for my own in the future. I almost promised myself. I am not sure what happened. things used to be simpler at some in my life. I didn’t feel so wronged by the outside world, because that’s the root of the problem here: my feeling that I have been terribly wronged and betrayed by the world. this feeling is old and ancient and it has been with me for as long as I can remember. it is exhausting to live with it. because there is beauty in this world; there is love and there are good things. I wish I knew how to let them come close to me.
words are pouring out of me. I am making plans for the future, I am dreaming up entire spaces and days. I am making lists and preparing materials for the upcoming year. I have so much on my mind. stories remain untold inside of me and they are waiting to be let out. and I will let them out. but as opposed to my previous experiences, I will give it form and thought. it will make sense. I am typing away my soul and I don’t mind. there is so much to be shared yet.
sometimes it is all unbearable. but the loneliness, when you are surrounded with people, is the worst.
December 24, 2013