I stayed home last night, must have been first alcohol-free night in weeks. I bought some lays and popcorn on the way home from chinese and waited for mom so we could have a movie night together. the kids are alright was funny and it was a great pick for a night like that. but then we watched eat pray love for the second time but it was the first time since we’d watched it together. my parents and you by my side. in a way that movie marks the beginning of our end. instead of feeling sad and melancholic, I just wished I could pack up my bags and leave. go away with no intentions to come back. is there such a thing as commitment-phobia? because I would probably fit into the definition.
the movie filled me with positive energy and the familiar hunger to explore the world, get lost, meet new people and learn languages of far away places. freedom. freedom is all I want. but with freedom comes a great amount of emptiness and loneliness. that feeling of being alone in a crowded room. but it’s okay.
I met with a very dear friend of mine today for coffee. it must have been about seven or eight months since we have last sat down and talked for a few hours about everything and nothing. she has been there since the beginning and the last time I talked to her it was all about the beginning. and today it was about the end. it felt as if I’ve come full circle. finished one chapter of my life. there’s nothing else left to say. but I’m going to keep the memories very close to my heart, because you still mean a lot to me. and that will probably change very little in the future. then I took the train up to shatin, had a short lunch with my korean friend, we laughed, went crazy just as we always do. she’s my person.
and for dinner I met with another a friend of mine, perhaps the only boy I can count on right now. the only one that will be honest with me, because he has no reason to lie to me. we shared our meals, he offered a dessert. from distance it probably looked as if we are a couple, but that’s the last thing we are. what I like about friendship is that we share things that perhaps we can tell no one else. love advices, ratings and comments on people passing by, he understands what I’m going through, offers his shoulder. we are both learning to let go and if we can do it over a shared tiramisu, even better.
I’m not sure what loneliness I’m talking about really, but perhaps it will catch up. I almost feel guilty for not giving myself any time to get over you. but I see no reason why I should. life goes on.
December 3, 2010