1. the noble house in blue; 2. peeking moon; 3. reflections; 4. at the bottom of ifc red bar; 5. sunset; 6. red, pink and blue
hong kong has returned to its blues and mine have left me. the above images are what remains from one of my favorite days with the boy. our original plan to spend the afternoon at the beach failed, but we didn’t mind. we still basked in the sun on the rooftop of ifc and drank summer cocktails; listened our own playlists and let the moon follow us. we laughed until our bodies shook and held hands like it was the most important thing in the world. in a way it was, because I never want to let him go again. when I let him go three months ago, I couldn’t even image the price I would pay later. I have learnt my lesson. he’s still here, he’s still with me despite everything. I am grateful more than words can convey. why don’t we always have days like this? he asked me. and I didn’t know what to say.
in the last few months my words have failed me more often than they have helped me and I’m trying to work on that. I still can’t get a good night’s sleep because I keep waking up from strange dreams, sometimes nightmares, but it’s getting easier. the boy is there for me. he is a night owl, more than I am, and I know that I can just talk to him at three in the morning, when things seem to be the worst. sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes I am just angry, frustrated and disappointed. hurt. the last one is the worst. I keep trying to push it away, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.
the other night we watched les bien-aimes together. it fitted us. paris and prague; french and bits of czech. the little hidden stories; sometimes the characters spoke what we’d been wanting to say to each other all along. he held my hand and I put my head on his shoulder; the cinema house was almost empty. we fought over the popcorn, laughed and kept silent when it wasn’t funny anymore. every once in a while I felt him lower his head a little and kiss the top of my head, softly brushing my hair neat with his fingers. after the film finished, we walked around three blocks back to my apartment building. he doesn’t try to come up anymore, so I stick around with him for a little longer. it all felt like such a cliche but then I realized it wasn’t. and last night he said to me, what we have is rare, you know. it saddens me that I had to lose him first in order to realize that.
August 1, 2012