Breaking free

January 14, 2015 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

10903214_368260836678506_2063429185_n

Kennedy Town. Always now. We are dreaming of renting a flat around there and thus spending more time in the neighborhood. Mentally I am already pretending it’s mine.

Filmmaker’s flat is still a refuge, even after all these years, and he’s around there, too. Everything’s coming together slowly. In exactly a week, I am starting something new, which I should have done six months ago. I needed to walk the full circle first before realizing where my place was. I am learning the hard way: how not to be naïve. But it goes on.

A lot of things happened in the past month. It feels as though life was very slow for the first eleven months of last year and then everything happened at the same time. Now I’m coming down; letting the dust settle. I realized what was preventing me from writing and it surprised me because it is the reason I would least expect. The feeling that I have to censor myself. I wrote differently five years ago and I miss that. I am battling with my own passivity and ambivalence. But I don’t think there is a way to return to that. I lost my voice in the process of forming it and without it, I’m lifeless.

I’m taking my time. This month is for reflecting, improving, making plans, writing them down. It’s for realization of potential. I don’t believe in resolutions and new beginnings. New year, new you. I believe in listening to yourself. To your heartbeat, your body and your mind. Paying attention to what works and what doesn’t. Seeing the signs in the wind. Noticing the details and being able to decipher what they mean. A little bit like navigating the winds of the ocean, sailing. Smooth waters never made a good sailor. I am embracing the difficult, the hard and the impossible. I’m breaking it down to what works for me instead of setting unrealistic goals and expectations.

I’m exploring Hong Kong in way I haven’t before. I’m exploring a new way of living in a sense. I’m looking at natural, simple, minimalistic. Everything that isn’t good for me is getting eliminated. Everything. Negative influences, stressful situations, the unpleasant. I’m choosing the places I frequent, things I purchase and things that I let close to me more carefully. Being mindful is not easy.

I’m looking at things with a fresh set of eyes and it feels so good.