Summer; it’s here. Finally. The hot days with endless blue skies, sun, and torrential downpours that come when I need them the most. At five in the morning, at five in the afternoon. I move and the universe moves with me. Quiet afternoon sessions at Wine Food Market; just me and an espresso. I carry a couple of books and a notebook in my tote bag because it seems that I need to be reminded of my roots more often than not.
My old life is creeping up on me again. I recognize the habits; the coffee drinking, the feeling of elation, and being surrounded by people who don’t know me at all but might as well know me the most. The line is too thin. Sometimes, it feels like I am just floating around. No real purpose.
Except on days when I sleep through the entire night without waking up once. When instead of an alarm clock, the big spoon wakes me softly. On days, when I am surrounded by people who could not be more different than I am and yet we match. Still, somehow. When I listen to old songs, and I feel nothing. There’s none of that weight on my shoulders anymore. The phantom pain was replaced by an actual one. I can only blame last month’s trip to Bosnia for this. And I hate the way I call the country by its name instead of “last month’s trip home”. Because it’s everything but and a certain feeling of worthlessness ambushed me. Out of nowhere. There was no time to readjust. I just had to accept it. And now I have to work my way up out of the rabbit hole unless I want to bring everyone else down with me.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?
June 9, 2017