tonight I need some time alone. I am grateful for the empty apartment and the glass of red wine, which sits next to me. I am struggling. there are no order words I could possibly use right now to describe my current state of mind. I am shuffling through the music, trying to find something that would be soothe my mind, but I can only last thirty seconds before I need to change the song. finishing a single sentence seems like a task. our differing schedules bother me. sometimes it doesn’t feel like we are even on the same page. then they are other times when I cannot imagine life being any other way. time apart would do us good, and that saddens me. in my mind, I keep returning to my european trip. all I can think about is how much I need a change. but changing everything seems impossible. I doubt I have it in me to start over again; the last time left deep wounds, too deep to heal completely.
I miss him in a way that has nothing to do with how much time spend together or how often we see each other. it is intangible. I cannot figure out what I am feeling or thinking. just bouts of frustration, anger and occasional euphoria. an unhealthy combination of no sleep and too much sleep. sometimes I forget to eat, sometimes I eat too much in one sitting. and so on. imbalance, constant. everything bothers me, but I am chary.
chary. isn’t that such a beautiful word?