days like these will kill me

central, hong kong. 9.32 am.

I haven’t been to central area this early for a while. since last year probably. in the morning queen’s road central is different. quieter, somehow. businessmen going up to their chilled out offices on high levels; everybody holding a fresh paper cup of starbucks; heels clicking and red taxi lines along the street edges. every time I walk past the center I feel a little sting by the heart. today was particularly bad. I am tired of having more bad days than good days. cold, rainy, dreary and grey days. I can barely function. freshness of the air in the morning only reminds me of what no longer is reality. those mornings in soho, which I had grown to love were just a lick of something I would never have. and it’s not that I am lingering in the past. it’s the expectations of the future would be like that are killing me. one day a time. I keep reminding myself of this, but it doesn’t help. nothing seems to help.

kowloon tong, hong kong. 6.07 pm.

I have been awake for more than twelve hours now; with the day barely halfway through. by the time I leave work it will be half past nine. it’s been raining all day, which results in continuous darkness and overcast. grey coat covers the city and I am having trouble staying awake, or being focused. or anything. I am counting the minutes, the hours, the days. until something changes. it horrifies me when I think about all the ideas that I never had a chance to realize. or even just note down. I dream of a freelancer’s life. I dream of a beach house, spacious rooms filled with books, daybeds and images from my travels around the world. I dream of being on the road, with a backpack on my back and a camera on my neck. I dream of the boy’s home; of coffee plantations and lake tanganyika. I dream. a quick reality check reminds me of where I actually am. but the dreams are the only thing that keeps me keeping on. three hours to go.

March 28, 2013