distorted and without a focus, but not lost

January 10, 2010 | Words

“She hates spending any of her cogent hours doing anything but writing.” – The Hours by Michael Cunningham

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staying up until the small hours of the morning, writing, is what I was born to do. it seems. but the only reason why I am writing this post is because of this particular one and because of a few words, which landed on my facebook wall last night. it made me think. it made me think about what I am doing, and what I should be focusing on. because in the last days of this week I haven’t gone to bed before five in the morning, as I spent each night writing. noting down ideas, thoughts, writing school assignments (and actually finishing!). I’ve always had these periods of intense writing and continuous silence sometimes lasting couple of months. here’s what I am wondering about: what if I have (finally) reached the stage, in which I could end these irregular writing intervals and begin a certain disciplined writing routine? would I be able to do that? I have said this before; the only factor, which prevents me from writing on a serious level is my lack of discipline. because that’s all writing is about. what am I hoping to accomplish, really?

what is my focus for 2010? do I have one? do I want one? tonight I am thinking of the dreamers, the revolution, pop culture references I am aching to understand. where and how do I see myself in the next twelve months? why is it even important? it took me a long time before I started taking life as it is, all the challenges, the easy things, the hard ones and everything in between. I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to know what are the expectations of tomorrow. I don’t want to stand up against them every morning. I want to wake up free as a bird. doing things I love, things I love less. accepting everything I am offered not because it’s a polite thing to do, but because everything will eventually contribute to my personal development. once I understand certain things. there’s a quote that stayed with me, I don’t know who the author is anymore, but it goes something like, how can you call one place home when everywhere you’ve been has shaped up who you are? I deeply identify with this, but I’ve realized it’s not just places, it’s everything. everything shapes up who we are. so why bother with details if you can’t see the big picture?

I want to see the big picture. I want to understand. live the life of an intellectual, write, read, devote myself to photography, cinematography. understand people in different parts of the world by speaking their language, understand the cultures. not regret one thing. I’ve already regretted more than enough and I haven’t even crossed the line called adulthood. and I don’t want to. I will stay a Peter Pan for the rest of my life, if I want to.

we are who we make ourselves to be. and reasons behind that shouldn’t be change in numbers every twelve months. because that’s all it is.