do you understand the meaning of this?

right now as I am typing this, the sunlight is filling up my entire apartment with warmth and beautiful yellow light. I’ve made myself gnocchi with basil pesto and lots of parmesan. listening to Sade. her music fits my mood perfectly. enjoying the fact that I have the apartment to myself. it reminds me once again how little time I am spending just by myself. two years ago, I used to be always alone. I spent a year and a half in complete solitude, every day and every minute of it. I am not sure I’d know how to do it anymore. I can’t even stand the idea of a silent phone. not anymore. today has been a relatively quiet and fast day and the only thing in front of me is my business textbook and practice past papers. it’s all starting to make to sense to me. why I am doing this. it makes the studying easier and last weekend’s workshop contributed a lot.

but it’s been a few days again. somehow I am not able to keep up with the words, with everything I want to write down. I am not able to keep up with my own thoughts, I don’t know where they are taking me, what they mean. it’s been very quiet lately and I’m feeling uninspired. I miss going out and talking to random people. there’s two weeks left before I will never have to return to this place ever again. and then I don’t know. I don’t know what next. when I wake up on november 20 I will be without a status. not a student anymore, unemployed, living with my parents, still not speaking the native language of this country and not knowing what to do next. I have no plans for the future. scared shitless doesn’t do it justice.

I’m trying to find some inner balance. I always think I’ve found it and then it just disappears. and it takes very little. an angry email or a text, or something really stupid and trivial like that. I’ve stopped looking, I’ve stopped noticing the little things around me. noticing the light, shadows and colors it sets on my skin is not enough. it used to be enough. it used to be enough for me to feel inspired. but lately I feel like I’m looking for some greater. bigger. a bigger picture. something that would knock me off my feet.

I don’t know how much longer.

October 18, 2010