don’t expect me to

today was the first time in weeks I listened to unplugged in new york; and I realized I was completely alone. there was no one else in the room with me; memories weren’t coming back; nothing. it was just me and my thoughts and his voice. his voice, it’s still there. as it always has been. this was our first record, most people don’t know about it. but everyone knew, even back then. I have to admit I’m a little surprised even though I am not sure what it is that I was expecting exactly. at least some emotion, at least something. anything.

but I guess nothing can replace the silence of my phone, emptiness of my inbox and the lack of communication whatsoever. but maybe it’s better like this. I was afraid we’d be running into each other around the city all the time, but we don’t. which just shows how different we are. different levels, different worlds. but I refuse to believe that it wasn’t real. it had to be, right? if it wasn’t, I am not sure I’ll ever believe anyone anything anymore. four years ago was enough. I’m trying to believe again, but somehow I see no point.

kurt cobain, journals, films, staying up until five in the morning, writing, reading; that’s all I have. educating myself in different ways. it’s all I really have. I would have to be a fucking fool to trust people again. I thought there was something fortunate about it, but the truth is everyone hurts you at the end of it. because people only do what’s best for them. so yeah, I’m following the suit. it’s much easier getting through the day like that, without falling apart in the process. because when’s the last time you asked me, how are you? exactly.

watching the tourist in the evening was all I needed to take my mind off some things. I’m alone once again and it’s as if I am surprised that I can still stand on my own. it feels good but not as good as I remember it. right now, at this moment, we are listening to the same song. where did you sleep last night?

January 13, 2011