existential crisis

February 18, 2013 | (Unfinished) ThoughtsHong Kong

completely different from these days.

6.50 am –
​the alarm clock goes off for the first time. mornings are becoming warmer now and getting up isn’t as hard as it was about a month ago. but still. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I just wish I could sleep until late afternoon.

6.58 am –
I finally get up. put the water to boil. three spoons of coffee, one third of sugar.​​​

7.02 am –
I jump into the shower. recently I have made a point out of showering before drinking my coffee. somehow it seems if I have more time in the morning; to sit around and do nothing.

7.10 am –
​showered, in a towel, drinking coffee. sometimes with music, sometimes without. sometimes alone, sometimes with parents. but mostly alone. ​I watch the daylight appear, stronger and stronger with each minute.

7.20 am –
I am dressed, even though I don’t have to leave for another half an hour. I finish my coffee. sometimes I drink a second cup.

8.02 am –
​on the way to work. walking through the streets of yau ma tei. the ground is littered in garbage. I think of all those nights we used to stay out until in the morning.

9.30 am –
I have already done a lot of work by this time. things slow down a little bit. phone calls, emails. people. things. something.

12.30 pm –
the boy should be awake by now. we text a lot throughout the day. I start looking forward to seeing him in the evening. I have been skipping lunch lately. living on a diet of nicotine, caffeine and the boy’s playlist of favorite songs.

3.12 pm –
it’s usually quiet. I am trying to work without getting distracted. sometimes there’s so ​many things, it feels like it will never end. sleepiness hits around this time.

5.30 pm –
if I am lucky, I have finished work. the boy waiting somewhere around the corner.

8.10 pm –
dinner with the boy. usually. mama africa, or yoshinoya. or lately we’ve been eating a lot of pho ga; I have finally convinced him that’s noodles are food, too. a drink or two. or maybe cinema. our nights have been good lately. I want to keep them that way. no more fighting or any of that bullshit.

11.45 pm –
I give up on the idea that I will get enough sleep.

1.20 am –
hopefully I am home by now.

6.50 am –
repeat.

no time or energy for writing, reading, galleries, museums, long walks, enough sleep, new places, new people. no.
how can I be anything but completely bored with life?