Focus

January 5, 2015 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

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Two things have been impossible: sitting down and writing.

Every time I try, I get distracted after a few minutes. I check my email, social media, I click through random items in my news feed or I suddenly remember that now, when I am supposed to be writing, is the time to make my laptop unusable by upgrading software or backing it up. In other words, I have been avoiding writing altogether. It needs to stop.

It’s been a struggle getting back into the daily groove of Hong Kong. I am persistently absent in my mind. Wandering around, never really here, or there. Sometimes I lose track of where I am. Sometimes I forget. I’m trying. But guess what, I don’t think the answer is hiding for me on a lifestyle Pinterest board. Sometimes I get carried away and spend hours browsing through other people’s lives instead of living mine.

I made an attempt to write a list of 52 things I wanted to accomplish this year, one for each week, but I stopped halfway because I ran out of things I wanted to accomplish. This has made me feel like shit as a result, because ultimately it makes me think I am not ambitious enough. I wanted to start another 52 weeks photography project, but before I could realize it, the first week of the year has gone by. And I am not going to start by cheating. You see it’s not for me. Resolutions, weekly things, et cetera. I don’t do well with templates and pre-organized things. I have never been able to start writing, and write well, by using those one-line writing prompts. At the moment, I am subscribed to half a dozen different writing prompts newsletters that I never open. Because for me, it just doesn’t work. I completed mindful mondays last year, but even then, it did not feel real. And I need the real thing.

So I will do what I did last year. Because it worked. Because I can’t be forced into anything. I need to learn to embrace myself instead of working against myself. In order to find my own voice, I need to listen to it first.

Manifesto

Write; every day (if possible). Document life.
Only do things that feel right.
Be grateful for what I have.
Call grandparents more often.
Take care of myself; eat well, sleep more.
Nurture the people I love.
Slow down & focus.
Grow, blossom, fly.
(In order words, feel good.)

Oh and my word for 2015 is focus.

What’s yours?