the last few days have been quiet. I spent most of my time with textbooks, notes and endless cups of coffee. nothing has changed. I haven’t been going out much at night. I prefer to stay home, with our view of hong kong, watch a couple of films and then eventually fall asleep. I wake up early these days. most of the time I hit the snooze button but then I still get up. my day starts with a couple of emails from australia, from england and sometimes from somewhere completely else. I reply to every single one and it makes my heart smile. I admit that in the last couple of weeks I haven’t been thinking about anything else but new york city and sydney and paris and how to escape this routine, but I’m actually relatively content. hong kong gives me something no other city in the world would ever give me and I still haven’t grown tired of it. but the time to leave will come and I guess I’m just trying to prepare myself for it.
but it’s a terrible feeling really. not being free. constantly checking your phone and emails and everything else. counting how many hours has passed since the last reply. wondering. creating scenarios in your head and not remembering them just because your mind refuses to. I cannot even remember what it was like not to be like this. is there such a thing as being independent? does it even exist? is it possible to be completely independent, free and unburdened? I am not so sure. what’s the difference between hating people and not being able to relate to them? I can’t figure it out.
October 4, 2010