he kissed me and then i threw up

December 7, 2010 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

it’s like a distant memory. I won’t remember the day exactly a few years from now, and I won’t be writing about it. it’s a distant memory but it’s still very fresh. because no one knows. no one knew. he waited for me to be finished with all my daily responsibilities, meetings, and classes, and private lessons, and endless mtr routes, and unfinished essays and unspoken words. he waited the whole day. occasionally he would check up on me, pretending to be casual but all he wanted to know is whether he’ll be seeing me. every time he called I said, yes, I’ll see you tonight.

I was having a dinner beforehand with some of my friends and by the time I saw his face in front of the 711 at the heart of hong kong, I was already a little drunk. but I was in a good mood, I was on the phone with a friend in boston and then I saw him, so I finished the conversation. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I tried not to think about it. he offered me a drink, we sat by the waterfront, but it was a different angle and we weren’t looking at bulldog’s anymore. we have both grown tired of the place. his phone rang, he picked it up and answered the obvious question. I’m dating somebody right now. and he smiled me. we talked about the beatles, the music industry, our plans for new year, our previous relationships. we moved over to a lounge bar, sat outside. had a drink, talked about business, music, politics, europe, his philippines, his family, his friends. that one gig he’d done in sydney a few years back. he was trying to impress me and it was actually kind of working.

then he said he wants a german beer. we bought another drink on the way to the german bar, sat in a park for almost half an hour. talked. talked. talked. the night was moving along and we were still talking. not running out of things to say. we talked about old clubs, new clubs, cali cali (that’s where I met the drummer for the first time), south hollywood places, elgin street, lan kwai fong, wan chai, insomnia, all night, dust till down, sticky (that’s where he, the guitarist, is from) and spicy fingers. we’d been through it all, except I’m twenty years younger than him. but it was okay. then we moved along. we walked, and stopped to point at things, we walked more. we know the ways around the city equally well. I was trying to impress him and it was actually kind of working.

I’d had too much to drink that night. well, let me rephrase that. I’d had too many different kinds of drinks that night. if I stick to one drink I’m okay, but as soon as I start to mix them, it’s trouble. my head was spinning I couldn’t figure out the distance between my hand and the glass. I knocked it over. then I went to the toilet. I threw up once. but it took some effort. I came back to the table. we had two shots of jaggermaister. then he ordered a third one, but he took both his and mine. we listened to music on my iPod just before the bar closed. we talked. talked. talked. talked. then he leaned closer a little bit. if I kiss you, will you slap in the face? no. it was a good kiss. it felt good. it was natural. it was beautiful, easy. but then I looked up at him and said, excuse me now, while I throw up again. he held my hair, handed me napkins, I rested my head on his shoulder. he just sat there with me. it was almost three in the morning. he took care of me in the most simple way he could, but it meant so much to me. finally we grabbed a cab, he wanted to make sure I made it home alright. we sat in the park, we talked, he had more beer, I had to control myself. it took so much effort. and then just before I left, he kissed me again and even though I’d just thrown up on the sidewalk, ten minutes before.

I guess I need someone who understands. someone who won’t look down on me when I start tripping. someone who will hold my hair while I’m throwing up, but doesn’t make it look more than it is. we are friends, and we’ll be friends. and I would really to spend us some time in the philippines, on the beach. because why not. I’d never been there. it’d be something new. and that’s all I need right now. need new things, new experiences. nothing else matters.