how could you leave me and love her out of the blue?

I’m still in the habit of writing those emails and letters that sound exactly like they used to sound before. I wonder whether it’s because nothing has actually changed and it’s just because we don’t want to admit the mistake. or maybe it’s just an illusion, just like everything else. I still write the letters because it keeps me sane. instead of hearing the voice inside of my head, I get to see them on papers or on the screen, whichever is more comfortable. wouldn’t you agree that that’s safer? no one likes to hear voices inside their head. or maybe I am just looking for an excuse why I am still writing them. always looking for excuses, always. or maybe I am going crazy. whichever is more comfortable to accept.

I’m spending more time at home now. it’s very unusual. I fall sleep between four and five in the morning, wake up in the afternoon, I write, I read a lot. I’m studying world history, reading about foreign policies and actually enjoying the economic report of the president of the united states. how many people would find that interesting? it’s four hundred fifty pages long! who gives a fuck? and I am getting through the fat SAT prep book. it’s less than a month away now. chinese has been put on hold a little bit, but tomorrow I am going back to it. I was reading the french newspapers this morning, I probably won’t need a tutor anymore. or ever. I only had one for about four months. I’ve been thinking of starting with arabic. I found a nice photography course that would introduce me to analog photography and dark rooms on a serious level. I’m almost done with all my applications. I’ve looked at apartment prices. I’ve looked at airplane tickets prices. I’m trying to think of something I would like to be doing right now. and then there’s life insurance to think about. I hate this supposedly adult life.

I’m turning twenty in less than four months and I wish I could stop the time.