I’m confused. scared. angry. angry. angry. kind of heartbroken. I’ve lost faith, then I found it, and then I lost it again. I’m having second thoughts, then I am not. I am not sure what love is and whether it exists. I can’t listen to half of my iTunes, because it just brings all these memories that I feel do not belong me to anymore, except I know they do and they always will and that hurts the most. because I know what we had been. what we were. and then what we are now. it’s terrifying how you can go from everything to nothing.. and then silence. partial. I am not sure. I don’t know. I have no idea. too much is at stake but I don’t want to lose anything. it feels like getting my heart ripped out. or being stabbed in the back. or both, at the same time. I’m in a terrible mood. I don’t eat, I only drink coffee and spend time with books. I can’t sleep at night, so I watch How I Met Your Mother because it helps me to forget about everything and pretend like things are okay. you’re my Ted. of course, only later I learn they don’t stay together. I talked to a very important friend of mine last night. two hours on skype. she’s studying psychology, she knows exactly what to say and when. after endless rants I started to feel better. but then I woke up this morning and I was back to square one. what the fuck. foo fighters’ skin and bones on repeat. I love this album. it reminds me of everything good. please don’t disappear.
four papers this week. I’m honestly looking forward to going into that exam room, because when I am in there everything goes away and I’m only focused on what’s in front of me. that’s how bad it is. when you prefer exams, over everything else.
November 9, 2010