i just want to be what i want to be

eating cereal out of the box. sick and home alone. just witnessed another one of the amazing winter sunsets. they are simply amazing. I wish I had a camera good enough to capture the color exactly the way it is. drinking lots of hot tea with lemons and honey. surrounded by past papers, textbooks and highlighters. missing. I have a slight headache and cannot decide on the kind of music I want to listen to. the apartment is getting darker and darker but I cannot be bothered to turn on lights. my macbook is running out of battery, the charger is in another room. I feel numb, brainwashed. final exams starting next week. october 27. why do I feel like this day is somehow significant? I cannot remember.

today was lonely. I spent a lot of time thinking and starring into space, and not writing. I hate the periods in between when I simply cannot be bothered to write. cannot be bothered. there are too many things. listening to patti smith I am reminded of that one afternoon when we came out of the cinema and walked all the way to our spot on the roof. and then another one, four or five months later, the same cinema, the same route. except the atmosphere was completely different and I was planning on leaving without saying goodbye. I am really glad summer is over. I hate the way I am aware of the effect that my words have on you.

but sometimes all I need a couple of emails that slap me in the face and remind me that maybe it’s not so pointless. I give up too easily. and I am sorry for that.