at the moment, nothing fits. everywhere there’s bits and pieces of unfinished work. I still have about three or four hours of files to get through, fix little mistakes, edit numbers and file names. I will need a couple of weeks for all of this. I have more than five hundred posts. but I am thinking about this as a remake. in a way. it will give me a chance to correct mistakes that I’ve made and written about in the past. and no one will ever know. it’s a strange feeling. I have a space, somewhere on the internet. and it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it. it is entirely under my control. it is only a personal website with my thoughts written down over the years. but the feeling is powerful. I cannot imagine what the feeling must be like when you own something much more substantial. like, facebook.
of course the social network is on my mind tonight. I am angry, drunk and blogging. angry over my own stupidity. but it’s fine. the apartment is silent, my mother is asleep on the sofa, most of the lights are out and I am half way through my bottle of wine. I ate a whole pizza tonight even though I wasn’t hungry. I am writing, mindlessly, even though I thought there is nothing on my mind. every time I think something I am wrong. how do I explain this? I cannot. I am in a strange state of mind but it’s positive. calmness. sort of like in the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. scary. I wish I could forget but then I would have nothing to write about.
do you understand now?
March 19, 2011