I would live forever if I could but not like this

last week we watched eat pray love and ever since I cannot stop thinking about it. one thing is for sure, you either love it or you hate it. regardless of the book though, because I attempted reading the book and found it extremely boring and with too much of the self-help bullshit. but I looked forward to the movie because of a few things: julia roberts, james franco, julia roberts + james franco, italy and italian people. and also that guy called luca spaghetti. I don’t really want to talk about the movie, though because there’s nothing much to say. except it made me think. it made me think about my own decisions and the way I have been living my life so far. I realized I never wrote about cambodia. not really. I never wrote about how that trip changed my life. I can relate to it. the whole I’m leaving and never coming back part. I’ve done it. basically three times. because I came back the first two. however, that’s irrelevant.

the film made me want to go to italy, india. everywhere. if I could I would leave right now. I would leave to explore the parts of the world I have never even dreamed about. I would learn new languages, eat different food and be exposed to something entirely new. I believe it would help me to understand myself, uncover parts of me I never knew existed. I know this would be true because so far, every single trip in my life somewhere, has done exactly this. it has always had the same effect. every time I feel like a new person. someone better. and I guess that’s what I am starved for. new, unexperienced things. it’s not that I want to leave because I am unhappy. it’s because my life feels without a direction right now. one step forward, two backwards. walking in circles every day. not saying things I want to say, and vice versa. I admire the strength and will it must have taken for her to leave a completely safe, comfortable life with a person who actually loved her. except no one ever questions one’s happiness. are you okay? yes. are you happy? um. just because you have everything no one assumes that you could be unhappy. the things you own end up owning you. it’s strange. because we almost got in a fight because of it.

and I wonder what that means.

October 20, 2010