daily routines. never enough sleep. his message at five am; alarm clock at 6.30. like clockwork. it’s always there. I wish he would sleep more, I wish we could share the same bed night after night after night because nothing compares to waking up next to his beautiful face. chinese new year is rolling in with all the red and gold decorations around the city, snakes are creeping up on the citizens from all corners. there’s something uneasy about it. similar to the way when you are supposed to respect someone, but you simply do not. and then the words they come out completely wrong.
like, just right now. I am forcing myself to write on a keyboard that is uncomfortable; in an inappropriate environment where I cannot focus properly on anything. the goal was to write every day for at least an hour. I am more than a month behind. culturally deprived. unsatisfied, unhappy, uninspired. physical discomfort is making everything even harder than it already is. do something new every day.
I want everything to change, but I don’t know how.
I don’t know. I feel like I have nothing to run with anymore.
February 11, 2013